Friday, April 20, 2012

Travels of the heart

It really does seem that I’m not able to write until I am in some form of angst. Kinda like prayer (although I pray everyday, ansty or not…). I’m gonna start with angst and then end with happy. Always best to save the best for last. Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, I was dreaming right before I woke up to come to work. It was HWMNBN as he was leaving me. There were details here and there that were obviously dream induced, but ninety percent of it was exactly like the day he left. Towards the end of the dream, when he was doing the leaving, he morphed into Smokey. I woke up hollow and sick feeling. I felt horrible—sad, lonely, depressed, blah, blah, blah. It took a bit for me to believe it had just been a dream. Smokey was asleep beside me. Things are good with him. Better than good actually. Maybe the best they’ve ever been. That said it wasn’t hard to figure out the meaning of that dream. A big ker-duh moment. I’m terrified I’ll loose Smokey. No newsflash there. The strangest thing was over an hour or so later. I was writing the date on the board in my classroom… 4.18.12 when it hit me. It was three years to the day that HWMNBN left. I’d thought of it weeks before, that the anniversary was coming up, but it hadn’t entered my mind since. However, somehow, my body or psyche knew and was trying to work some things out. Since that morning, I’ve had this heaviness in my chest that I can’t shake, this fear that won’t silence. Work has been hellish, HELLISH, so that makes it even harder to decipher what is stress related to work and what is stress related to my own fucked-upness-issues. Smokey is being very sweet as his boyfriend is extra, extra needy. Kinda like ordering your bacon extra greasy. In better news, Dreamspinner is supposed to set me up with an editor for The Shattered Door in the next couple weeks, and everything is on track for an early August release date! Can. Not. Wait! In the best news, the trip to Louisiana was AMAZING! Truly. It was one of the most miraculous things I’ve ever been a part of. It seemed so healing for Smokey and his family. And it brought the two of us even closer together. Can not say how much I love that man. How much I want to travel the world with him. How much I want to walk by his side. How much I want to build my life with him.