I didn’t really want to use this blog space as a place to vent, unless that venting has a higher purpose of some sort. However, that is all I am going to do right now, vent. I’ll start out by bitching at myself. I am fully aware of why I am in the mood and place that I am in. I know what the causes are, I know when the causes will be eliminated, and I know that I will soon feel better. I would hope after all the years of therapy, the amount of writing and introspection I participate in, and my years of maturity would allow the afore mentioned to matter to me. It doesn’t. All the matters is right now. And right now, I feel pissed, frustrated, depressed, on edge, and ready to rip anyone’s fucking head off at a moment’s notice. All of this comes from me feeling belittled and weak. I have knowingly let powers outside of myself determine how I feel, how I see myself, and take control of my emotions.
One aspect is being sick, not such a huge deal in and of itself, except for the working out factor. I have been physically too weak and exhausted to work out (lift weights or do any cardio). I typically do this between and hour and an hour and a half everyday. It has been a week since I have worked out. I not only workout to look better and be stronger, but to regulate my mood. When I work out, I am happier, less depressed, have more energy, work harder, and simply feel more masculine, healthy, and in control. So, it is a given that I am in an emotionally weaker place.
Another aspect (again delving into an area I did not want to go [I feel it is unwise to make current occupational issues public knowledge]) is my cooperating teacher at my internship school. Throughout my life, I have been overtly blessed by the majority of adults and power leaders in my life. I have always been told I can do anything I want because I’m smart and talented (neither of these come naturally, but hard work has made them mostly true), and these people have reinforced areas of my personality that I am most proud of in regards to work and profession: I am dependable, trustworthy, hard-working, professional, and typically one of the more desired worker/employees/team-members/etc. Given that these words have been fostered in me to such a great degree, I guess it makes sense that I am rather thin-skinned when it comes to this area. Anyway, two weeks ago, due to a poor choice of calling off work on my part (however one that my teacher said at the beginning of the year would be completely fine), my cooperating teacher went off on me, telling me how I am undependable, unprofessional, immature, and generally not up to snuff (a complete 180 from her normal bragging about me). In one sense I knew she was reacting to me because of other things going on in the school at the moment—a very stressful time right now, and I also knew that I needed to be ready for her to lash out at some point, as she does this with a vengeance to the students and is never willing to forgive or forget. I apologized for the part my decisions played but was not willing to continue to grovel. We have gone from relatively easy working relationship to one that is tension filled. Today, she very clearly (without saying it) set up a situation in order for me to fail and be ‘punished.’ Kinda felt like Anne Hathaway in Devil Wears Prada when Meryl sets up a situation where Anne will fail and she could then have a justified attack. Well, I didn’t fail, but it wasn’t the point.
I have learned how to manage being called names for my appearance, sexual orientation, and even for my lack of affection for alcohol. I am not used to dealing with attacks on my character or work ethic.
On one hand, she could have done nothing that would make me more determined to succeed (or more sickly sweet and helpful, for that matter). I have no delusions that she will acknowledge any such achievement on my part or wrongful accusations on her part, but I will know and she will know, and that is enough.
In the mean time, I need to figure a way to get my head out of my ass, out of this funk that is making me irritable and reclusive. I really am acting like a baby! I hate that I am weak enough to allow one person’s tirade effect me to such a degree, even after the supervisor took me aside and said none of it was warranted or true and that it was not even about me. Must I have accolades from every person who draws breath in order to keep my fragile self-worth intact?
My deepest apologies for this blog. I will begin working out again tomorrow, eating better, and getting back in shape, and my humor will swiftly follow suit. I will be back to mumbling nonsense and ranting about my various political and religious causes. Who knows, maybe I will even write an erotic exposé from the view point of an SOS pad. Now if that ain’t a reason to switch over to Rush’s commentary/blog, then I don’t know what is…
Black Coffee Tables
2 years ago