It’s been months since I’ve really blogged, and honestly, it will probably be months before I do it again. So much of this blog was to help with figuring things out, trying to deal with life, both the good and the bad. Whether I’ve figured out to deal without the daily vomiting on a web page or of I’ve found other coping skills or if I’m simply not dealing, who knows? I think it’s the second one, but maybe not. Possibly, the blog will return as a coping skill at one point, for now, I’ll let it be. That said, I feel the need to rejoice for a moment. Has everything fallen in place and there is no more pain? Nope. If anything, I’ve learned that pain is a constant thing, which I always have know, but I’ve gotten better at finding the joy in the midst of whatever pain it is—for the most part. I know there are days coming when that won’t be as true, but that is life as well. See, even when I’m blogging about rejoicing I get all sour. Sheesh! Somebody slap me. Part of the reason I quit blogging is the lack of time, and it’s the same reason I have to rejoice. The Shattered Door came out in August. Real, Published, Amazing. It’s doing okay, not horrible, not great. About what I expected—it’s a strange book that has a very limited audience. I’m just so thrilled that it’s published and it exists, and has been read all over the world. It’s gotten reviews from Asia, Australia, Germany, etc. Man, that is cool! Love it! I spent every spare moment since that time pounding out Rising Frenzy, the sequel to Submerging Inferno. I finished it the last week of November. (This month is re-editing Submerging and editing Rising.) I just found out that I can submit both of them in January, and the editing process will begin. All three covers should be finished in the next few months—even before the third is finished being written! By doing so, I’m committing to finishing Clashing Tempest, the final book of this trilogy (not the final installment of Men of Myth, but of this particular story line) by June. It will be the first time I’ve had an actual deadline looming as I write, and I’m a little nervous what that will be like. The thought of writing a book in six months while working fulltime, doing massage, and still maintaining family and boyfriend is daunting. And ABSOLUTELY FREAKING WONDERFUL! Book one will come out around September 2013, book two December 2013, and book three March 2014! In a year I will have four books in published circulation (or nearly). Talk about dreams coming true! We will see what’s next. After that fourth book is published, I have no others under contract. Obviously. That said, I have three stand alone novels I’m dying to write, plus more installments of Men of Myth. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to say I only have one job. Writing novels. I’ll pour all my child-loving ways into my nephew. I will only GET massages. Lovely. Even if not, I am living exactly what I hoped for. Getting to write novels that are published and teach and live by my nephew (another uncle/nephew date tonight!!!!), and be in love with my man. Charmed much? Thankful!
Trying a new project: A blog featuring only Drabbles--Stories with exactly 100 words. Thinking about trying to do one to a few a week--or as the mood hits. If successful, I may turn them into a collection in a few years. If you're interested, I would love any feedback or comments. Feel free! Thanks so much!
It really does seem that I’m not able to write until I am in some form of angst. Kinda like prayer (although I pray everyday, ansty or not…).
I’m gonna start with angst and then end with happy. Always best to save the best for last.
Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, I was dreaming right before I woke up to come to work. It was HWMNBN as he was leaving me. There were details here and there that were obviously dream induced, but ninety percent of it was exactly like the day he left. Towards the end of the dream, when he was doing the leaving, he morphed into Smokey. I woke up hollow and sick feeling. I felt horrible—sad, lonely, depressed, blah, blah, blah. It took a bit for me to believe it had just been a dream. Smokey was asleep beside me. Things are good with him. Better than good actually. Maybe the best they’ve ever been. That said it wasn’t hard to figure out the meaning of that dream. A big ker-duh moment. I’m terrified I’ll loose Smokey. No newsflash there. The strangest thing was over an hour or so later. I was writing the date on the board in my classroom… 4.18.12 when it hit me. It was three years to the day that HWMNBN left. I’d thought of it weeks before, that the anniversary was coming up, but it hadn’t entered my mind since. However, somehow, my body or psyche knew and was trying to work some things out. Since that morning, I’ve had this heaviness in my chest that I can’t shake, this fear that won’t silence. Work has been hellish, HELLISH, so that makes it even harder to decipher what is stress related to work and what is stress related to my own fucked-upness-issues. Smokey is being very sweet as his boyfriend is extra, extra needy. Kinda like ordering your bacon extra greasy.
In better news, Dreamspinner is supposed to set me up with an editor for The Shattered Door in the next couple weeks, and everything is on track for an early August release date! Can. Not. Wait!
In the best news, the trip to Louisiana was AMAZING! Truly. It was one of the most miraculous things I’ve ever been a part of. It seemed so healing for Smokey and his family. And it brought the two of us even closer together. Can not say how much I love that man. How much I want to travel the world with him. How much I want to walk by his side. How much I want to build my life with him.
Two more weeks until Smokey and I leave for Louisiana. Can. Not. Wait. We’ve been planning a road trip, but I’m not sure now. We may fly. Either way, hurry up! I’ve met the rest of his family; it will be the first time I’ve met his mom and dad. Very nervous and very excited about that. Mostly, just excited to get away with him for eight days! It was so great to get back from Outdoor Lab. I always enjoy that week, but by Wednesday, I’m always ready to get back home. Combine that with missing Smokey, you can imagine how much I was ready to come back. Another happy note? The time changed! I love this time change. Having the sun out later makes me so very, very happy. I just love it. I wish it would stay this wall all year round.
My blogs have really sucked lately. I’m either worrying, stressing, or blabbering about nothing. Which also is how the writing is going on the second book of the fantasy series. I thought getting confirmation on publishing would make it so easy to sit down and write (and it for sure is a great feeling), but I am terrified. Kinda going through writer’s block. Even in my blog. It’s also been two years since I’ve really written anything besides queries and such, so I’m way out of practice. Again, it comes back to everything of any worth is terrifying. Writing. Getting published. Being in a relationship. Giving my heart to someone. Being an uncle. Walking into class everyday. I’m not really sure why fear has to be at the heart of the things that bring the most joy, but it always seems to be there. Smokey says I’m one of the bravest people he knows with all the fear I face, him included. At times, I think he’s right. I see all the fear and I always push forward and/or hold on to hope (which is always the scariest thing of all). However, it often feels like cowardice to me. I think I’m more afraid than almost anyone I’ve ever met. Even as I have hope in the midst of my fear/s, I can’t help but wonder if fear is the opposite of faith… it would be nicer to have less fear, even if it meant I was less ‘brave.’ Even as I type that, however, part of screams out to not have that desire met. What if the absence of fear equates to the absence of joy? Joy, in and of itself, is a risk. And risk breeds fear. Therefore, by choosing joy am I choosing fear---must I choose fear to have joy?
It really is so beautiful up here. I spent the few, very few, minutes I had without the kids yesterday sitting on a dock, my feet dangling over a frozen pond. Peaceful. Lovely. Bigger than I. Some of that time, I simply sat and just let myself be part of that magic. The rest I prayed. Some of thanksgiving, some of grief, and some of fear—tears of supplication and exhalation. Got to talk to Smokey over the landline for about half an hour before bed. Wow, what a difference that made—so wonderful. It’s fun to see the sixth graders, most of whom, by this time in the year are all so grown up. Very worldly. Many having lost their innocence, in many areas. Many way too smart and enlightened to need a teacher, or to believe they don’t have the entire world figured out. Up here, for many, the first away from home, they show their true age. With the wonder as they discover the mysteries of nature, the beauty of our world. With the fear of being away from home. I had a boy last night who was so worked up about missing home that he was vomiting (I wonder what that emotional turmoil feels like…). What helped? Story time with Mr. Witt. (Turns out, I do a great Lorax voice.) That may be my favorite moment so far. Just watching the story soothe, comfort, and ‘hug’ the child back into a state of peace. (I really do love my job.) It’s scary that this may not be here much longer—that it barely was here this year. The amount of pay cuts, the amount of lay-offs, the amount of cut funding for the districts and schools… I’ve never seen such an impactful time for kids in such a manner. I love it as an adult. I can’t even fathom what it could have done for me as a sixth grader.
Outdoor Lab time again. Day two. Already tired. Excited for coffee!
I’d kinda forgotten how much I actually like being up here. It is exhausting, but peaceful and beautiful. My only real drawback is that I manage to get about fifteen seconds of phone service a day, and I live attached to my phone. Of course, the biggest drawback is missing Smokey. I’m sure it’s good for us. I’m sure the time will fly. Whatever. I don’t like being away. However, it will make it doubly nice when we see each other on Friday. Then, eight straight days on a road trip back to his hometown in Louisiana when spring break arrives. Can’t wait!!! Yesterday, there was a silver fox mere feet from me. His name is Shadow. They call them silver, but he is actually black with a white tip at his tail. He was beautiful. And huge. For a second, I thought it was a small coyote. I love those moments. Moments where you literally can’t think of anything else. For those fifteen seconds, you are enveloped by the beauty around you, the magic of the living things that inhabit our world. Those moments are few and far between for me, when my brain is able to focus on only the present instant in time. It’s such a sigh a relief for my psyche.
Now off to face a horde of children. Good thing they often provide those moments too. Whether it be moments of childlike beauty or the more frequent times of emotional distress—all else fades for the briefest moment in time.
Things seem better, but it’s hard to really know right now. I am completely focused on one minute, then the next (with the exception of looking forward to our vacation and such in a few weeks). Exhausting, but I’m thankful that at least some things are looking up. I am so scared of being thrown away, again. Even more so this time. This was like fate from the very beginning, which is part of why I am able to have faith. What we have is simply too good to not be willing to pay this price of fear and stress in the belief we will move beyond it to a strong and stable place in the future. He is worth the effort. We are worth the effort. Constant prayer. Constant love. Constant.