Maybe I can’t blog when I’m immensely happy and not stressed. Maybe I only can blabber when I’m hurting or scared. Maybe so. Seems like it. Oh well.
Smokey and I are going through are hardest time right now. Nothing truly huge, just some things here and there. No cheating. No lying. No fights. However, for Smokey, it is become more and more apparent what it looks like to be in a relationship and all the work it takes and how much sacrifice is required. For me, my fear is through the roof, which causes me to become even more clingy and needy (an inclination that I’m doing my best to fight with everything in me, as I know it has the opposite of desired effect).
I stand by what I have said before. If anyone, Smokey is the man that is supposed to be my husband. However, that doesn’t mean he will be. Destiny is fucked up all the time by our fallible human natures.
He’s proving himself to be strong. Everyday assuring me that he is here. That he is still in it with me, even when the thought of leaving and running away is also a constant temptation. As strange as it may sound, and as much as it hurts and scares me, I am very thankful that he is so honest with me. I like to know where we stand and where the truth is really at.
We are both raw and hurting right now, and still holding on and fighting the best we can for what we believe is worth fighting for, I just pray he continues to fight for us, persevere through the exhaustion of it. I’ve talked to enough married (for years) couples that I know in some ways this dance continues and ebbs and flows forever—to varying degrees. Terrifying thought. Again, I pray he continues to fight for us, continues to be here in this hard moment so that we can have beautiful ones soon. Moments that will make us stronger for the next time we face our shit.
I wish all it took was one person to fight the battles for the couple. I would face it. I could face it. I hate that I have to trust another person to fight for us as well. HWMNBN chose things over me that I don’t think were as valuable as I am. And while, again, I think we could have built a great life together, Smokey is here and fighting by my side, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I just prays he chooses me. I choose him.
Black Coffee Tables
1 year ago