Starla

(I am listening to Colbie Caillat, another CD you should rush out and purchase, and then make love to—or blog to, as the case may be. Both if you are really limber…) My last blog as a free man. Tomorrow, I am an honorably employed man. A beneficial asset to society. Helping to shape, form, and guide future generations. (Scream, Jerry Falwell, scream.) If I weren’t so nervous and so depressed about losing my freedom, I would almost be a tad bit excited. Almost. For my last entry as a man of philosophical leisure, I am trying on a new hat. I wish it were a hat that would make me appear six feet tall, or at least make me look like I have tan. Instead, it simply makes me look like Dear Abby. Although, if I do it right, I might end up looking more like Dr. Ruth (who is not as physically attractive as Abby, but she sure does have more fun). A couple months ago, I received an email from a friend on MySpace. She asked about my theory of patience. Her exact question was: How much patience and understanding should you have before you are compromising your own needs? Well, I am in the mood to be pompous and act more enlightened that those around me. I have my masters now. It proves that I am smarter. By smarter, I mean, I am able to blow smoke up people’s asses with the best of them. I just charge more. The patience conundrum is intriguing to me, however. It has been a theme of my life in some ways. Sometime, the abundance of; others, the lack thereof. Patience. It is typically the attribute people assume that I possess when they hear that I am a special education teacher focusing on students with emotional/anger disorders. I am glad people make this assumption instead of stumbling upon the truth of the matter, that I am just fucked up and I like the drama and have a touch of a hero complex that this career helps satiate. As I don’t really know what direction her quandary was pointing, I will do as my blog name entitles me to do. I will ramble. When I think of patience, the first thing I think of is God. He and I have had a very tumultuous relationship revolving around the theme of patience. When I was growing up, two of the things I prayed for most were wisdom and patience. Be careful what you pray for. Growing up (and remaining) a spoiled brat, I consider myself one of the more patient people I know, to nearly everyone—unless I am driving or waiting to be fed. This is counter to my actual personality make-up. It is a virtue that has been purchased with many tears on my part. For twenty-five years I prayed constantly, fervently, and whole-heartedly for God to release me from my attraction to other males. God did not see fit to answer that request. (Oh, my superiority in this arena also vanishes in the presence of those who say I simply did not pray enough, have enough faith, or did not really try.) I am thrilled that God did not answer that prayer. However, it was painful (understate much?) and lonely. I also think of supplications for healing for family members (Grandma). I leaned whole-heartily on specific scripture, prayer sessions, and proclamations of healing made by the spiritual giants of our community. Again, that prayer must have been sent with my list to Santa via Rudolf, and never made its way to the drop box nestled nicely within the Pearly Gates. During this time, my dearest friend asked me what would happen if the healing did not transpire and I had heard God’s promise wrong. Well, that thought was inconceivable. God would not lie. Therefore, it was easy to say that I would quit believing in Him. I trusted so much that it was an empty threat. Well, I still believe in Him, but I have never been able to see Him in the same way nor trust blindly since that day. However, I am much more patient and able to simply let the cards fall where they may instead of forcing my hand. The next thing that Patience brings to my mind is family and friends. I could go on for pages that would fill up a trilogy of novels on examples of this, but I will spare you that epic. I will cut to what I currently feel and believe. So many people are trying desperately to achieve the relationship with a parent that they have always longed for. Well, if they haven’t changed yet, chances are, they won’t (although, it does happen—for instance, I truly love my dad and have a wonderful relationship with him, something I never really thought possible). So many people expect certain things from their friends and are angry, hurt, and are willing to cut ties when things don’t go as planned. I have had plenty of time serving as a doormat to those ‘friends’ who I wanted to be close to. I have realized there is no reason to compromise who I am, what I believe, and what is right or wrong for me within a friendship or a relationship with a family member. However, I have also learned this in my quest for patience and real, genuine relationships: If you love someone, get to know who they really are—their strengths and weakness. Know their personality and learn what you can and can not expect from them. Then, decided if you can accept them for whom and what they are. If so, embrace them. If not, move on and quit bitching and trying to change them, you can’t anyway. Some parents may never be able to say ‘I love you,’ well, that sucks, but what other ways can you see that they are expressing that feeling without saying it? Some friends may always be late, never remember your birthday, and having annoying habits, but they are still able to ‘feed’ you in other ways. Know what to expect from them and don’t get your hopes up that they are going to morph into someone else. You won’t get disappointed, and may even be pleasantly surprised at times when they begin to change on there own (rare, but it does happen). The most obvious area patience shows up, I think, is in a relationship. I was involved in a two year relationship were few of my needs were met and were slaughtered in order to keep his needs met. It was hand’s down the most miserable and trapped feeling in my life. Better to be single and lonely than attached and miserable. The area of healthy relationships is new to me, but I think many of the things I have already stated are applicable. It is why it is so necessary to know these things about a person before making a commitment. Can you live with their weakness and flaws? Can they live with yours? There is obviously more reason here to address your needs and let the other person know what you are feeling and needing, be clear about it, without being blaming and aggressive. If these needs are not met, however, I don’t think the ‘move on’ strategy is appropriate. In both hetero- and homo- sexual marriages, I believe that the commitment (with a few exceptions) is a life-long agreement. Part of relationships is compromising your own needs as times. However, at times, it is about them compromising their needs for you as well. It is when it is one-sided that it becomes and issue. If that becomes the case, you continue to state your needs, continue to be loving and patience, but also stand up for the areas you need. I live by the motto, ‘pick your battles.’ Many battles do not need to be fought, and then, when it is time to fight, you will have the energy and passion to do it right. Well, I have no idea if I touched upon her intention of her inquiry. However, it was a glorious opportunity for dive into my ostentatious know-it-all, cavalier diatribe. An opportunity I rarely choose to pass up.