right now, right here

The first of my official vacations as a teacher comes to an end this morning. I am once again in my khakis, “dress shoes,” and my shirt is tucked in. There will be no morning workout today, no walk with the dogs while the sun is up, no writing on the book. However, there also will not be kids today (not till tomorrow), so I get to ease back into it. Chad and I did so, so, so much over Christmas break, that it actually seemed much longer than two weeks. We for sure spent more than should be possible in two weeks. It was really nice though. Chad’s birthday, Christmas, New Year’s. Two weeks of firsts for us as a couple. Tons of movies. (Go see ‘Juno’, twice—we did. Skip ‘One Missed Call’—we should have.)
Christmas break was exactly what I hoped it would be. My goal was to get reintroduced to my book that I am writing. I rewrote nearly half of what I had previously written, and started on a new section of it. It is hard to see clearly, as I am so close to it and invested in it. You would think with as many books as I read that I would be able to look over what I have done so far and be able to see the true ‘book’ quality of my pages. I can’t. It may be the best thing ever written. (A literary critic somewhere just died from explosive laughter.) It also could be the biggest pile of crap seen anywhere. Every time I sit down, terror fills me. It is hard to shake. Sometimes, after a bit, the writing just flows and it is a blast, feeling like the story is just there, aching to come out. Most of the time though, the terror stays firmly intact. It really is one of the scariest things I have ever done, and I haven’t lived the most timid life…
At the end of the month, Chad and I will be celebrating our ten year anniversary. In gay years, at any rate. It is hard to believe it has been a year. In some ways, it seems like a few months, in others (most), it seems like years. Not in a bad way. We hung out with one of my very best girlfriends yesterday. She kept commenting on how we are like an old married couple already. It is a strange place to be in, but a good place. I look forward to our second year together. Now that most of our ‘firsts’ are past, it will be telling to see how our next year goes and what traditions of our relationship begin to form and cement. It is such a secure experience, to just assume that the other person is there and will always be there. To begin to take each other for granted. Isn’t that the whole point of being in a relationship? Pretty wonderful. Similar to writing, though, it is one of the scariest things I have done. I have more to loose than ever before. And, I would imagine that is when it would hurt the most, when you are in the place where you take for granted that you will simply always be together. You know, right when you relax and feel that you can lean back and enjoy getting a tan, that’s when your inflatable life raft pops and you sink down into shark-infested waters. Of course that is also when you can feel your raft come to an abrupt stop. You look down and realized you have come to rest on a deserted island in paradise. Here’s to living in the tropics.
Last year’s New Years Eve was the best I had ever had and I said I thought it boded well, that 2007 would be my best year yet. Well, I was right. Well, this year’s was fairly simple and easy. I hope that remains true for the rest of the year. In our security, I pray that Chad and I can use our groundedness to spread our wings and fly—both as a couple and in regards to our individual dreams and goals. May 2008 be a year of renewal and fulfillment in our house and in yours.