A Strong Constitution

Was it Kanye West that said he knew it that times were rough because he could only afford ten karat gold toilet paper? Maybe not, but it was someone of his ilk that said something equally asinine. Well, the financial turbulence has affected the Witt-Hinton home as well. However, we are fortunate. We simply have discovered that we have fully maxed out credit cards of which we can’t pay the balance. We are able to pay our mortgage, do a few fun things during the month with friends and eat at home most of the time. Beyond that, we are finally learning to live within our means. Which means, that once we finally get everything paid off, except for the mortgage, we will be in good shape. That means, by the time we are fifty or so, we will be good to go.
While I hate the whole bale-out this, bale-out that ideology (things come and go—let ‘em), I do enjoy seeing large corporations struggling. It makes me feel like they experience some of my pain—of course, they pass their pain right along to us, so that doesn’t work out so wonderfully, but still…
I have worked out at Bally’s Total Fitness for years. I have an amazing lifetime deal where I pay less than $15 a month for the rest of my life to use any of there gym anywhere in the country. That being said, I guess I can’t complain too much. However, things have been getting a little hairy as of late. One of the first cuts they have made has been their custodial staff. I didn’t realize just how much they did before. The other day, the hot tub was a bright Shrek green, although that was probably a chemical imbalance—hopefully. I opted to not relax in such a fashion that day. For a couple days in a row, men apparently forgot that bowel movements were supposed to go in the bowl and not on the lid—I waited ‘til I got home. When you sit on the tile benches in the sauna, you slip a little due to the algae (a.k.a. slime)—I just pretend it’s a ride. When I stepped into one of the shower stalls last week, I almost stepped on a huge swollen corn nut. While I was minorly grossed out at someone eating (and spitting) corn nuts in the shower, I bent down to pick it up and throw it away. When my hand was less than six inches from grasping the faux-corn nut, my brain caught up with my eyes and my stomach began to gurgle. There was not the harmless, overly praised corn nut as I had so naively been misled. Lying mere centimeters from my feet, within inches of contact with the skin of my finger tips, lay an entire, yellow at one end, brown at the other, several millimeters thick, half-inch long, curved, diseased, old man toenail. I quickly vacated the shower and (shockingly) was successful in my attempt to keep my lunch from vacating my stomach. Awh, how I miss the day of free flowing credit and workouts without snack disguised human appendages. If you feel the Lord subtly leading you to send money to cover the cost of a tetanus shot, I will take money orders or cashier checks. No personal checks, please. Cash or Ricky Martin porn (or Dean Cain) also accepted.
Side note: Download, Upload, or Free Load: Fuck You, by Lily Allen. My new favorite song. Awesome. You’ll laugh and sing along or be horrifically offended, and sore when you have to pull a stick out of your ass.