Thursday, June 16, 2011

over dinner

I’m making progress on setting up the photography business. Smokey and I spent quite awhile going over names to finally settle upon Brandon Witt Photography. I know, quite revolutionary. However, all the others I liked sounded rather ostentatious and like I was trying too hard. So, go for the simple and obvious. I am now working on setting up and LLC and creating a website before I can do anything else. It’s scary, but I’m rather excited. I have some guilt around postponing writing, but this needs to take precedence right now if I have hope to have things in place by the time school begins again.
Smokey and I had dinner with my oldest friends in Colorado last night, P,C,SV,&SDR-L. Not too far into the meal, I announced to them that I was going to marry Smokey. It wasn’t a thought through declaration. Nor was it something that Smokey knew I was going to say. You know me… Their reaction was so swift, so heart-felt, so genuine that it completely threw me off guard. They both gasped and cheered, CR-L instantly got teary, and then she and PR-L got up and hugged my head where I was sitting at the table. It probably sounds weird that they hugged my head, but it made sense at the time. Of course, you’re probably thinking that the part of the story that doesn’t make sense is me proclaiming my intentions of marriage when yesterday marked our one-month anniversary. And you’re probably right. Completely. However, it’s the fact that it makes no sense that makes me trust it. I knew instantly, I still do, the feeling has done nothing but grow. And… CR-L said that she knew it from the time I started talking about him the night they took me to see Billy Elliot. So there!
I’ve had many (MANY) freak-outs and lost ‘sanity’ moments, even for me. However, not one of them has been due to worry that he isn’t the one, that I’m unsure if we are meant to spend our lives together, or fear out of me being caught up in some irrational whirl-wind. (Even if those are things I am supposed to be freaked out by.) Instead, the only fear I have is that I won’t be enough for him, or that I’ll be TOO much for him to handle or deal with, and that he will simply turn his head and walk away. We all know why those would be my issues, even if you feel they are the wrong ones or contradictory to my faith in our meant-to-be-ness (me? a contradiction? never!). I’m ready for those fears to subside. They’re terrifying and exhausting. And yes, I’m sure there’s a logical probability that I’ll look back on these posts and see my own sickness and delusion. Logical probability. Sure. Nevertheless, I am placing 100% of my surety, pride, faith, and being into the belief that I’ll look back and these and go, “Yep, no surprise. I KNEW it. Simply knew it.”


Avenjer said...

B! It sounds like you have no censoring going on, lol. Just blurtting out things anytime, any place. "We're getting married!" says B, "Sir, this is the DMV" says the clerk. Combined with playing grab ass in the grocery store, lol. Oh well, you are clearly in love and it's fantastic. I just want to point out, (just for the record, since you mention you could be wrong)that even if you are wrong, so what? You spent all that time crying over HWMNBN and thinking no one could replace him or make you happy. Uuuuuh wrongo. I think it's safe to say you're happy so consider him replaced. The point I'm trying to make is happiness is always around the next corner. Contrary to what you may have heard the sun does always come out tomorrow. Love is all around. And all those other cliches we've always heard. So even if it ends (I hope not) instead of taking two years off to cry, spend a month grieving and then find happiness again. Let this new relationship be a example/lesson that any one single man does not define you or your future happiness. You create that. I'm sure Smokey would agree that you bring qualities to the relationship which is why he's there. So don't project that this is all about him (you've done that already with HWMNBN), it's about the good things you bring too. And know that just like your last relationship, there will always be someone out there for you. Two months ago you wouldn't have believed that Smokey existed. But he was there the entire time waiting :) Ok, now go forth and blurt out more uncensored love to the world! "McDonald's can I take your order?" B says "Yes, I'll have a #1 and our favorite sexual position in bed is..." lol ;)

Anonymous said...

So what does Smokey look like and how did he get that name?

Cheeseburgers and Pajamas said...

summer love is so delightful :)