Thursday, June 16, 2011

over dinner

I’m making progress on setting up the photography business. Smokey and I spent quite awhile going over names to finally settle upon Brandon Witt Photography. I know, quite revolutionary. However, all the others I liked sounded rather ostentatious and like I was trying too hard. So, go for the simple and obvious. I am now working on setting up and LLC and creating a website before I can do anything else. It’s scary, but I’m rather excited. I have some guilt around postponing writing, but this needs to take precedence right now if I have hope to have things in place by the time school begins again.
Smokey and I had dinner with my oldest friends in Colorado last night, P,C,SV,&SDR-L. Not too far into the meal, I announced to them that I was going to marry Smokey. It wasn’t a thought through declaration. Nor was it something that Smokey knew I was going to say. You know me… Their reaction was so swift, so heart-felt, so genuine that it completely threw me off guard. They both gasped and cheered, CR-L instantly got teary, and then she and PR-L got up and hugged my head where I was sitting at the table. It probably sounds weird that they hugged my head, but it made sense at the time. Of course, you’re probably thinking that the part of the story that doesn’t make sense is me proclaiming my intentions of marriage when yesterday marked our one-month anniversary. And you’re probably right. Completely. However, it’s the fact that it makes no sense that makes me trust it. I knew instantly, I still do, the feeling has done nothing but grow. And… CR-L said that she knew it from the time I started talking about him the night they took me to see Billy Elliot. So there!
I’ve had many (MANY) freak-outs and lost ‘sanity’ moments, even for me. However, not one of them has been due to worry that he isn’t the one, that I’m unsure if we are meant to spend our lives together, or fear out of me being caught up in some irrational whirl-wind. (Even if those are things I am supposed to be freaked out by.) Instead, the only fear I have is that I won’t be enough for him, or that I’ll be TOO much for him to handle or deal with, and that he will simply turn his head and walk away. We all know why those would be my issues, even if you feel they are the wrong ones or contradictory to my faith in our meant-to-be-ness (me? a contradiction? never!). I’m ready for those fears to subside. They’re terrifying and exhausting. And yes, I’m sure there’s a logical probability that I’ll look back on these posts and see my own sickness and delusion. Logical probability. Sure. Nevertheless, I am placing 100% of my surety, pride, faith, and being into the belief that I’ll look back and these and go, “Yep, no surprise. I KNEW it. Simply knew it.”

Monday, June 13, 2011

love as a faggot

It seems that being miserable is definitely better for art. I have a hard time sitting down to write or work on photos or anything, really… I do more than most people, but according to what I should be doing, not so much. However, this may be the only time in years that Smokey and I will have off at the same time and building our foundation is my priority—while still writing, photographing, and planning for the new business. It’s amazing how life has done a completely 180. Blows my mind. I’m so thankful. Terrified beyond measure, but so very, very thankful. It scares me because I’ve never really been an ‘it all works out the way it’s supposed to’ kindof person, especially the past few years. The last twelve years or so, actually. However, that is exactly how it feels. Like everything finally is beginning to make sense. Sound delusional? It’s a definite possibility. If this is delusion, please let me stay in this psychotic state for the rest of eternity.

In reality, not that the above isn’t reality—no matter what you may say—Smokey and I went shopping at the grocery store a couple days ago. We made a perfect and healthy dinner (he’s a health nut—no one’s perfect). While at the store, I had my arms around him while we were checking out an aisle trying to find Quinoa (I know... I know…). This man walked by the end of the aisle. He shouted out ‘Freakin’ Queers!’ You know me, I’ve never quite learned to turn the other cheek, so I yelled back, offering to let him join if he wanted. (I’m a polite Bible-Belt boy, it’s rude not to share.) He responded to my heart-felt invitation with a, ‘Faggot!’ He could have just sent an RSVP. Some people!
Granted, Smokey and I know we’re a little touchy-feeling. We’re that couple. We even make ourselves gag. However, we weren’t making-out or anything close, much the same as I’ve seen many straight couples act in public, much less than some.
It took a couple hours before I felt ‘normal’ again. I kept apologizing to Smokey, but he was supportive and related it to being harassed, intimidated, and threatened. Which, is exactly what it is, and my body recognized it for what it was before my mind did. The event made us realize that we need to be a little more intentional, so that we don’t get killed (and I’m not trying to be dramatic to make a point) or choose to do so both to simply live a normal life while making a political statement at the same time.
Smokey pointed out that the man could have at least given some reason or lesson for his hatred. Told us we were going to Hell or some such nonsense. It’s a piss poor argument when all you can do is call names.
Welcome to 2011.

Friday, June 10, 2011

almost jealous of myself

Going to my first gay wedding this Sunday and my first bachelor party tonight. I’m pretty excited actually. The wedding is at the Denver Clock Tower (which I’ve always wanted to go into), and I simply want to see a gay wedding. I should see one before I have one, right? I think it will be a blast and in inspiration.
I’ve spent so much time with Stephen and tons of friends I haven’t have time to blog or even begin planning book two of the series, plus I’m working like crazy to get all the photos caught up and scheming about the photography business. I’m rather excited. The thought of never having to do massage again? Wow! The thought of being able to teach, photograph, and write for a living? Wow times a trillion!
I love life right now!

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

this moment and the ones before

It has been longer than ever since the last post. In all actuality, I’ve needed to blog. Had so much to say. Finally have good things to say, and I’m not even blogging. Though most people wouldn’t even take seriously what I have to say or think I’m crazy (which we all know I am)—good thing I don’t care, huh?
Casual updates (you know I have to go from least to most important). I am starting my tutoring job today, which will enable me to stop massage, at least for the summer. Hopefully, by the time fall arrives, I’ll have a different plan in place and won’t have to ever do massage again (unlikely, but a girl can dream). I hope to start writing by the end of next week. I’m also going to start a photography business. I have no idea how to go about it, but I think, given the chance, I can pull it off. The people I’ve done photo shoots for have loved the end product, so maybe I can do the same and charge for it. Can you imagine? I get to do all the things I love? Write (with luck), photography, and teach? I really am grasping for the starts, for more than my share of happiness. So, if you or anyone you know needs photos……
May 30th was my 33rd birthday, which everyone calls the Jesus birthday. I knew that was the age he was crucified, but I didn’t know people referred to it as that. However, several people have said that from different, unconnected circles, so it must be pretty prevalent. The birthday was wonderful, rather surreal considering how my life has been flipped around, but I managed to realize that panic I felt that day was more do to my own fear of loss and the natural hysteria that my birthday conjures up—I didn’t freak out or fuck up anything.
HWMNBN contacted me a few days ago via email. Smokey was with me when I received it—there are no secrets, and he knows HWMNBN’s role in my life and that I will always love him, regardless of the degree. The email threw me for a tailspin for a bit. Tears, of course. He was so sweet about my book. It seemed he’d read my blog, which blew my mind. He was incredibly sweet about Smokey (how happy he was for me, how I deserve someone like this, etc.). At first, I was rather thrown off by his communication, but then, I realized it was perfect timing. While it confirmed my love for HWMNBN, it solidified that I choose Smokey. It also made me realize that I am able to change my interactions with HWMNBN—while I can’t be buddy-buddy, I can see him out and about and say hello. No matter what, regardless of the pain of the past two years, he gave me the best two years of my life that I’d know thus far and has changed me irrevocably. And, he did nothing wrong outside of changing his mind and what he wanted with me.
For my birthday, Smokey took me on a three-day road trip with Mesa Verde as the end result, with a couple stops in the middle. (If you’re a facebooker, you should check you the photos.) It was perfect. Truly, perfect. Tonight will be our first night apart since May 15th. My brother is taking me to a bed and breakfast, it was his birthday present to me, which will be wonderful to have some brother time. We are considering this the end of our first date, tomorrow starting the second date. Yeah, we’re both crazy. Insane. Boundary-less. Perfection. Every day with him confirms what I felt that first moment as we started our double-feature date: He’s the one. I’m going to spend my life with him. I am head-over-heals and every other cliché you can think of in love with him. Crazy? Absolutely. Believe in our fairy tale? With every ounce of my being. I love him fully. Period.