ponderings of a single mother

There is a new addition to my little family, as of November 7, 2006. Dolan entered the lives of Dunkyn and myself. He is a Corgi puppy, same breed as Dunkyn, but with the normal short hair. A puppy is something I had been considering/planning for a long, long time now, and one I almost followed through on directly after the break-up. However, it seemed unwise to make such a decision then. No one wants a rebound dog. Plus, I still hoped we would get back together, and I knew he wanted a bigger dog, not a Corgi. Anyhow, I am now the proud mother/father of two; how life has changed. I am sure things will calm down after Dolan is potty trained, but for now, the old woman who lived in a shoe had an easier time than I do. My neighbors came over the other day as I was getting ready to go to GG’s house warming party. They came to just say hi. They were roped into baby sitting as I used the precious fifteen minutes to get all prettied up. Completing homework, scrapbooking, housekeeping, blogging, even TV watching have become like the search for the Holy Grail while trying to erase all the water damage from Atlantis. In the midst of all this malarkey, I traveled to Missouri to see my best friend AA, his wonderful wife, JA, and his five month old son, CA—who is hands down the cutest baby I have seen in nigh a decade! I felt it unwise to leave Dolan in the midst of potty training. While I hated to leave Dunkyn, as he is and always will be my favorite, Dolan accompanied me on the long journey through Kansas back to the little town of El Dorado Springs, where I grew up. He did splendidly. We have officially bonded. He is no longer just an adorable puppy who poops and pees everywhere, he is one of my boys.
Being back in Missouri was strange, wonderful, and surreal. First off, not only is that little boy who has been my best friend from seventh grade (well the last half of seventh grade anyway) a husband, he also has a baby that he insists he helped create. I remember in eighth grade when we stayed the night at my cousin’s house (the first time I ever stayed over a friend’s house), we wandered off to a separate room to pledge to each other our undying friendship and our faithful support of our individual walks’ with Christ (that is Jesus, for all you uninformed). Believe it or not, both of those pledges have been followed and are still in effect. I held that little boy’s child in my arms, stayed in the house that belongs to he and his wife, was blown away by the beauty of who he continues to be, and marveled at our processes of life and the so extremely different paths our lives have taken from one another, and yet how we remain who we have always been and hold the same place as ever in the other’s life. There is such power in this world, there is such good, there are things that are true, pure, and real.
I attended the church where I grew up (they had recently completely remodeled, so it was unfamiliar), where I devoted my existence to Christ and prayed He would remove the sin of Homosexuality from me (thank God for unanswered prayers—Garth really knew what he was talking about). At church, I saw a man there who I had gone to high school with (AR) who had always been a troublemaker and some of the most self-righteous thought would not amount to much. Just being in his presence for a few minutes told me all I needed to know about the man he has become—honorable, proud (in the good way), caring, honest, strong (not to mention good looking; pretty wife too!)—thank God we are not shaped only be other’s expectations of us. I had lunch after, with family I rarely get to see, yet love immensely (three of the most beautiful, perfect little girls). Well, they aren’t so little anymore; we are all getting older. I also saw my Great-Aunt, whom is dear to me and other cousins. To them, I am still the boy I was in high school. Many don’t know of the ‘gayness’ (I have no idea how that is not obvious at this point in my life, I guess we see what we want to see) or of the multitude of ways my beliefs and outlook have changed. I am not ashamed of how I turned out in the slightest, but I know it would cause them (at least the older generation) pain and worry, so what’s the point?
I visited my grandparents’ graves, and cried by the grave of my gorgeous/wonderful cousin Gabe, who died at 26 three years ago in a horrific accident. I saw my childhood home and many of the places that were so dear to me. They are still are, but it was someone else who lived and loved there. There are traces of that person still in this man that I am now, but are only traces.
I saw my little ‘sister’ on my final way out of town. She was always attractive, but has seriously grown up to be one of the beautiful, sophisticated, powerful women I have seen in my entire life. Our lives too have gone very different paths, and in many ways we don’t know what the other has gone through, but seemingly we have shared the most as far as certain hurts, questions, and journeys (no she’s not gay). While the boy that lived/grew up there is gone and so very different than the man that types this, there are those few select people who I grew up with who I don’t feel have to know every detail of what I have gone through to know who I am. We simply are and have always will be.
I am glad to be home, but I am glad I went. Now to try to lose the fifty pounds I gained back in the few days I was there. My boys are at my feet, getting on each others’ nerves. Papers, scrapbooks, chores are waiting to be seen to and completed. Friends and loved ones back home may have had me cross their minds as Dolan and I drove back to Denver today. Friends and loved one here at Home may have had me cross their mind and look forward to seeing me again soon. There is more changing to do. There are more people to know and love. There are more questions to ask. There are more hurts to endure. There are old loves that still remain. There is life to be lived, experienced, shared, and treasured. The mix of old and new, traditions and progression, loves and hurts make up the man I am now. Contradictions that seems to conflict makeup this person that I have become; I value every last one of them.