the moment after pause

Well, I did it. Last night (Friday) after I had my girls over for Christmas dinner, I slept in my bed. If I could have afforded it, I would have bought a new bed, new mattresses, new everything. I couldn’t. However, I did buy sheets, the nicest sheets I have ever had. Very comfortable. Turns out, I am glad I could not afford a new bed. I experienced the greatest love of my life in that bed (no, not talking sex). Why would I want to trash that?
I didn’t cry. I guess I did enough of that the night before taking our old sheets off. It was unreal sleeping there again. It felt as if I was stepping back into a life I had left behind. I have felt different all day—not to mention that my back already feels tons better. I missed the dogs terribly, and I could tell they missed me when I let them out this morning. There were moments, like when I would end up sleeping on my side, that I expected to feel his arms encircle me as they always did. Of course, they did not, and I simply hugged my pillow tighter. Bitter-sweet. But, as stated before, I would not trade a moment of our time together. I would do it all again. I never believed I would experience a love so great.
In what was hopefully a good omen, I had one of the most sensual (non-sexual) dreams I have ever had. Hopefully, that bodes well…
I feel stronger today. Love him no less, miss him no less, but know that I will survive in a way that I have not really felt sure of. I am sure this will come and go, but it is a feeling I have missed. No, life is not how I want it right now, the man I love will not crawl into bed with me tonight. I will not get lost in his kiss. I will not wake up to his face. However, I will wake up. I will go see my glorious dogs. I will see my new wonderful roommate, AV. I will work out, scrapbook, sing, and see friends. I will know, that though not with me, he is still out in the world, he exists, and I will be happier than I was a year ago just on that fact alone. I pray that he will be happy, even if it is not me that helps provide that. I pray that he will know how truly amazing and what a phenomenal man he is. I pray that he knows that he is completely and unconditionally loved—and not just by me.
While I may or may not cry at some point in the morrow, I will be alive, I will be purposeful, and I will rejoice in the love that I had and lost, and in the life that I have before me.