Things seem better, but it’s hard to really know right now. I am completely focused on one minute, then the next (with the exception of looking forward to our vacation and such in a few weeks). Exhausting, but I’m thankful that at least some things are looking up. I am so scared of being thrown away, again. Even more so this time. This was like fate from the very beginning, which is part of why I am able to have faith. What we have is simply too good to not be willing to pay this price of fear and stress in the belief we will move beyond it to a strong and stable place in the future. He is worth the effort. We are worth the effort. Constant prayer. Constant love. Constant.
In my favorite spot in the coffee shop. Might actually get a little writing or planning done today. Maybe. I’m waiting for that wonderful feeling that I often get here, especially when I start writing. That moment that I seem to disappear into the cushions of the bench, no one can see me, I am no longer here, just words, just the universe on the screen, even as I flow onto the pages. That sounds delicious today, to lose myself for a few hours. I’m not sure where things are. I cried so much last night that I feel a bit empty today, but we all know that’s not really true. There’s always more emotion to be expelled. Of all kinds. Smokey got off his overnight and went to meet the hot water man at his house, and then dropped by mine to crawl in bed with me for five minutes before he had to leave for his all day choir practice. I wasn’t expecting that, but what a wonderful surprise. I think we will see each other tonight, but not really sure. I am so very scared and trying so hard to keep faith.
What a wonderful few weeks it has been. Nearly perfect. Would have been perfect if I could subtract where I am right now—which is why I am blogging, of course. Why blog when things are good? (sarcasm) The past few weeks have seen things growing and becoming stronger and more secured between Smokey and I. Truly, stuff that I’ve only dreamed of. Right now, things are up in the air, which I will get to. But, previously, they’ve simply been pretty perfect. He is such a beautiful, sweet, romantic, wonderful man. Last Friday, a week ago, I got a contract for The Shattered Door in my email. Dreamspinner Press is publishing it! (That’s four books under contract—two written, two not.) They will set me up with an editor (thank God, it needs it) in the next two months, and they plan on publishing it by the end of summer/beginning of fall. Either way, if things go according to plan, I should have an actual, edited, truly published book for sale in 2012! Praise God! Truly, praise God!!! Things are hard/confusing/stressful once more with Smokey and I. I’m hoping it’s just part of the pattern that’s been getting better—some amazing weeks, followed by a little freak out. However, this one seems a bit more serious. I really thought he was going to leave me yesterday. Still on pins and needles as I wait for time to pass and hopefully the stress to pass. It’s so hard. It’s so hard on him too. The commitment issues are huge. The overnights at work and how they affect everything are a factor. Attempting to sell the house he and his long-time ex owned is a factor. Questions over the future are a factor. The neediness of his boyfriend is a factor. A perfect storm that will require lots of work, lots of faith, lots of tears, lots of determination, and lots of love. Glad we have the love. The rest comes and goes, but I pray they stay enough to see us through. Faith can be so hard when you’re used to things not working out. However, things are turning around in that sense. The books are finally going where I’ve prayed and worked for for years, I have a man that I love more than I ever dreamed. And again, if I can only have one miracle, I choose him. While the books are amazing, you can’t build a life with them. True, I want it all, but mostly, I want the life that we are building and the love that we share. Please whisper continued prayers for us. Please and thank you! I know you don’t read this, but I love you Smokey, with all of my heart!