Lotto Winnings

I just got home from a movie, after which, I had ice cream cravings, so I went by 7:11. I got a snicker’s ice cream sandwich. It was not what I wanted, but it had ten less fat grams than the good one. What’s a recovering fat kid supposed to do? Right after I paid, I had a feeling that I should buy a Lotto ticket. I almost did. I was too embarrassed to ask the sales clerk to ring me out again—she was already pissy. Oh, well, since I did not collect my winnings, it enabled a poor homeless family (who should be buying food instead of Lotto tickets) to win and change their lives. It feels good to do a good deed.
I am learning more of myself all the time lately. I put my feelings out on my sleeve and tell people things when I should keep my fat mouth shut. I already knew this about myself, but still, it bears relearning. However, I really don’t want to learn that lesson. Why is it bad to tell someone you love them? Why is it bad to say what you think is great about someone? Why is it pathetic, needy, weak to say what you feel and desire and care about? People always tell me to play coy, play hard to get, don’t let someone know how much I like them. After all, it is not attractive to look too eager or appear that you need someone. Heaven forbid you just be straight forward!
If it looks like I am playing hard to get, it is because I don’t want you to catch me! I hate all this stupid game playing crap. Granted, I overdo it. No question. I can’t seem to only say something once; I have to say something every time it is in my mind. I can see how this would freak people out, or simply wear them out. Who wants to hear someone say they love them all the time when you don’t have the same feelings? Who wants to hear about someone else’s hurt and worries all the time? Who wants to constantly be deep and real? It is not as much fun. I should know, that is why I don’t watch the news. The last thing I heard was that there is some war going on somewhere and some natural disasters were obliterating stuff and unnatural queers were still denied equal rights. Do I really need to absorb anymore information of which I have no power to change? No. I do have the power to change my compulsion to say what I think and feel at all times. No more of that. From now on when someone asks, “How ya doin’?” the answer will be, “I am fucking fabulous! Wanna hear about the family I helped out with my Lotto winnings?”