common lies/uncommon truth

Crying over nothing. Hurting for no good reason. Mourning a loss when I should be rejoicing. Things happen for a reason. Things turn out the way they were meant to. One day, I will look back and see how miserable I would be if things turned out as I dreamed. Sometimes the worst thing for us is what we want the most. Take a deep breath, clear my head, smile/laugh, get out there and do it again. This is supposed to make me feel better? This is supposed to make me realize that I am not really in love and that I am wishing for something that will hurt me worse in the end?
Maybe that is all true. Maybe every word of it is exactly how life works. But, maybe, just maybe, that is only what we tell ourselves, or others tell us and we choose to believe. Maybe my cousin Gabe died in the car crash because God wanted to be with him sooner, or maybe because life sucks and is unfair and heinously cruel. Maybe your wife left you so that you could find the real love of your life, or maybe it is because she is just a bitch or that your dick is too small. Maybe you lost your round on American Idol because you weren’t skinny enough, or maybe because you sound like Kevin Federline and Rosanne Barr. Maybe my relationship ended because he would have broken my heart worse years from now, or maybe it is because I fucked things up or that is just the way the song was played, homie.
We tell ourselves a millions things to make life more bearable, to blame it on fate, God, or the other person. Sometimes, though, the blame is with us, and sometimes on no one, but life itself. Sure, there are things that I used to want that I am so glad never came to be. I am glad I am gay. I don’t want to be straight any longer, and am so thankful that those prayers were never answered. So, sure, those times truly do exist, and I am glad for them. Still, why do we struggle so much with just shrugging and saying, ‘Yep, life sucks, fucker. Sorry, Mr. Fucker, I mean.’ As I rediscovered during the Bible study on I Peter, life just does that a lot. I learned other things too, but I am choosing to focus only on that aspect at the moment. Go ahead judge, condemn, pity, scorn. Come back and re-read these words at a less peachy time in your existence.
So, there it is. Many hurtful things happen for no reason, for no greater good. Simply because they can, and they do. However, growth still happens, as does happiness and love. Beauty still exists in the pain, in the devastation, the crumbling existence, and in the tears. I love freer, deeper, and with more utter devotion than I could have previously thought possible. Yes, I wish he were here to benefit from the lessons I have learned and the life that is blooming. But, I know, that’s life. I had thought I was on my way out of this ‘self-made’ prison. I thought a new chapter was dawning. I guess it was, just a different chapter than I anticipated. The hurt is more dull now, but even more to the core of me. No longer does the scalpel slice into me, but the sandpaper is now inserted and wrapped around. Maybe more love and more maturity will come from this. Maybe this is lie too. I choose not to believe so.