random tid-bits

This weekend saw the passing of one of my very favorite days of the year. My annual ‘gay boys’ Christmas dinner. It started nearly five years ago with me, TB, JS, and TC. This year, there were thirteen people in attendance. Every one I invited is someone I trust to the highest degree and has greatly affected my life and increased the wonderfulness of said life. There was a moment at the very beginning of dinner, right when I first sat down, I simply sat, breathed for a second, and took in all the love around me, all these equally amazing men (each in their own individual way), and was truly thankful for how my life has progressed. Sure, this year has been harder than any before, a fact that still shocks me, and in some ways continues to increase in difficulty even to today. However, I would not go back, there is very little I would change, and I am humbled by the beauty that is so clearly defined in my life. Would that everyone could be so blessed and surrounded by such a vast and diverse expression of love.
The house felt extremely empty the day after my boys left, but full of good memories of the night before. I am slowly able to enjoy my home again, as the pleasant times occur, allowing me to overlap the ghosts of relationship past that still seem to linger in every seeable space. The blizzard outside is keeping me captive in my home today. A fact that would normally drive me insane, but is kind of welcome today. I got out just enough to run to the store and get food for tacos, and now my car is stuck in my driveway—at a very strange angle. I have read the latest novella of Kelley Armstrong, played with the puppies—they are so cute in the snow, cleaned fish bowls, done ever more contemplating of the why’s and how’s of ‘the relationship’ and of what the future may hold, and I may even begin working on a novel idea that has been rolling around in my mind for the past month or so.
The other day, I got a call from my mom letting me know that she and dad are going to go to a Christian counselor to talk about my issues around gayness. I am proud of them for taking the step to talk to someone, as they would not have done so years ago. However, I was under the mistaken impression that they were gradually becoming more accepting of how my life is. Well, I guess no news is not always good news. I hate that it hurts them. Who can blame them? By all that we know and were taught, their child is going to Hell, and is doing nothing but rush towards that destination. I would be distraught too. Any parent who did not feel these things would be dead inside. Still, I really was hoping that they were beginning to believe that maybe that subject was not so black and white. As has been demonstrated to me oh so clearly over the past several days, I am perpetually caught in wishful thinking that has no basis in reality and can cause others to misconstrue my intentions and sincerity.
The year is drawing to a close, as you may have heard. This year was 100% different than what I expected or anticipated. I have no clue what to expect for 2007. Maybe that is a good thing. Maybe not. Regardless of what is to come, I have learned this: life will continue (until it doesn’t, anyway), strength will be broken and cemented again, loves will deepen, though some may get lost, there will always be something to cry, ache, and mourn over, and there will always be something to laugh at, rejoice for, and embrace in love.