I was in Bible study Thursday night (TB is doing another six week segment—life is good again). This time, it is about some of the ‘supporting cast members’ from the Bible. Very interesting. He is one of the few people that can present the Bible in ways that are a different perspective and with original insights that I have not heard a bagazillion times. However, this time, the part that caught my attention was something that I have heard tons of times. It wasn’t even the point of what we were talking about. Others may have even said this before. In fact it sounds like something out of a cheesy fortune cookie (ugh, not sure if I would like cheese flavored fortune cookies—can’t people leave well enough alone, don’t mess with perfection) or a mundane Sunday school lesson. He casually mentioned the custom of stoning people in the Old Testament, and then went on to his real topic. However, my mind got stuck there.
Now, let me take a moment to explain for all you damned heathens out there who don’t know what stoning means. No, its not getting all crunked up on illegal substances, although that would have gotten you stoned and stoned back in the day (I love making myself chuckle stupidly over my mundane puns!). Stoning was where the people took a sinner of the common, everyday variety (adulterers, thieves, goat fuckers, gay people [my bad, those last two are the same things, duh]) and pelt them with stones (rocks [mineral matter of variable composition, consolidated or unconsolidated, assembled in masses or considerable quantities in nature, as by the action of heat or water {mass of stone}]) until they were dead. There is one part in the Gospels that the people bring a woman caught in adultery (that mean sex without marriage—like gay people [see why we need to legalize gay marriage, one less reason to stone me]) and reminded Jesus that the law said they should stone her for her sin and wanted to see what Jesus thought they should do to her (can we say entrapment?). In pure Jesus fashion, He debonairly stated, “Whoever is without sin, cast the first stone.” This just means, if you are so perfect and have never sinned, go ahead, kill away. Obviously, no one in the crowd fit this criteria for murder, so they slunk away alone to get their rocks off by stomping on earthworms crawling upon the sidewalk in the rain.
Of course, my brain did not continue on with the point of the story or why it is in the Bible. I just thought about what if I was living in that day and needed to stone somebody. What would that look like? I had always pictured this crowd of people circled around the Soon-To-Be-Bludgeoned and every person throwing heavy stones, each one cracking viciously into the person’s flesh. Well, what if I had been there? I did not do so well in PE in school. I have never been athletic. That’s why I scrapbook. If I had to throw stones at someone, I would not be overly accurate with my aim. Especially in the heightened frenzied state that a stoning extravaganza would have fostered. I may have hit my target one out of ten times. The other nine would have gone all over the place, behind me, lost in the atmosphere, and through some of the skulls of the people on the other side of the stoning circle. Then they would have known I was a fag, because I throw like a girl (which is the definition of fag, btw [btw is an abbreviated form of ‘by the way,’ btw].
I am sure there were a few closeted ‘righteous’ Jews back in the day that couldn’t throw for shit either. Therefore, I don’t think these stoning celebrations were as cleanly murderous as I once thought, unless, they lined up and took turns throwing, but I doubt that. You know random people were getting smacked right and left. My luck I would have been directly across from another incognito faggot on the other side and would have received a cockeyed pebble buried deep in my left ear canal. I think it was their form of getting drunk, they had to wake up with at least minor hangovers the next morning.
All of this lead me to my alternative Hallmark card lesson. If we look for the sins or weakness of others, everyone gets injured in the process. Instead of throwing rocks at one another, let’s offer hugs, pastries, or cheeseburgers.
Now, let me take a moment to explain for all you damned heathens out there who don’t know what stoning means. No, its not getting all crunked up on illegal substances, although that would have gotten you stoned and stoned back in the day (I love making myself chuckle stupidly over my mundane puns!). Stoning was where the people took a sinner of the common, everyday variety (adulterers, thieves, goat fuckers, gay people [my bad, those last two are the same things, duh]) and pelt them with stones (rocks [mineral matter of variable composition, consolidated or unconsolidated, assembled in masses or considerable quantities in nature, as by the action of heat or water {mass of stone}]) until they were dead. There is one part in the Gospels that the people bring a woman caught in adultery (that mean sex without marriage—like gay people [see why we need to legalize gay marriage, one less reason to stone me]) and reminded Jesus that the law said they should stone her for her sin and wanted to see what Jesus thought they should do to her (can we say entrapment?). In pure Jesus fashion, He debonairly stated, “Whoever is without sin, cast the first stone.” This just means, if you are so perfect and have never sinned, go ahead, kill away. Obviously, no one in the crowd fit this criteria for murder, so they slunk away alone to get their rocks off by stomping on earthworms crawling upon the sidewalk in the rain.
Of course, my brain did not continue on with the point of the story or why it is in the Bible. I just thought about what if I was living in that day and needed to stone somebody. What would that look like? I had always pictured this crowd of people circled around the Soon-To-Be-Bludgeoned and every person throwing heavy stones, each one cracking viciously into the person’s flesh. Well, what if I had been there? I did not do so well in PE in school. I have never been athletic. That’s why I scrapbook. If I had to throw stones at someone, I would not be overly accurate with my aim. Especially in the heightened frenzied state that a stoning extravaganza would have fostered. I may have hit my target one out of ten times. The other nine would have gone all over the place, behind me, lost in the atmosphere, and through some of the skulls of the people on the other side of the stoning circle. Then they would have known I was a fag, because I throw like a girl (which is the definition of fag, btw [btw is an abbreviated form of ‘by the way,’ btw].
I am sure there were a few closeted ‘righteous’ Jews back in the day that couldn’t throw for shit either. Therefore, I don’t think these stoning celebrations were as cleanly murderous as I once thought, unless, they lined up and took turns throwing, but I doubt that. You know random people were getting smacked right and left. My luck I would have been directly across from another incognito faggot on the other side and would have received a cockeyed pebble buried deep in my left ear canal. I think it was their form of getting drunk, they had to wake up with at least minor hangovers the next morning.
All of this lead me to my alternative Hallmark card lesson. If we look for the sins or weakness of others, everyone gets injured in the process. Instead of throwing rocks at one another, let’s offer hugs, pastries, or cheeseburgers.
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