the last monday in april

Was I ashamed when I went walking today in flowered neon green swim trunks, mud covered cut off t-shirt (been working in the yard), slip-on shoes, and white socks up to my calves? Nope. Was I humiliated when I went to sushi with two friends and I ordered and ate more by myself than they did together? We call that pride baby. Was I aghast when I forgot I wasn’t by myself in the steam room and let out the biggest belch this side of Morocco? Not really, although I did think I was straight for a second [shudder]. Kinda makes a cultured person ponder if there is any amount of self-dignity left in my being. Well, what I can not seem to achieve on my own, my eldest, Dunkyn, accomplished. Once, in the middle of the street, while cars were speeding towards the three of us from both directions, he decides it is the optimal time to hunker down for a leisurely poop. I respond by pulling him by the leash across the remaining distance to the other side. This action resulted in poop being spread across the road, we walked away sans pride but maintaining our lives. Ten minutes later, as we sauntered past the shopping center’s drive way, a lady in a gargantuan SUV let us cross in front of her. Dunkyn once again assumes the position and shows the world just how sensitive his little stomach is, both ruining the pristine asphalt and the rear portion of his hair, that less than a week ago got professionally groomed. I stood there grimacing in shame, offering a sheepish wave as if I had opted to join in the public shit-fest myself. Maybe tomorrow.
You may have noticed a common theme throughout my bloggings: People need to die, or evolve, whichever. Every single person drives me crazy. As a society we have lost all sense of common decency, decorum, and simple manners. Now, every time I try to exit an elevator I find the entrance blocked by some impatient individual standing two inches from the door ready to spring inside. Heathens! Anytime I try to merge from an on ramp onto the highway, the cars do not move into the middle lane (as per the LAW) but push their gas peddles and try to get in front of me, nearly causing my to have to stop or continue onto the off ramp. Assholes! When I go to the movies, the entire experience is ruined due to those using their cell phones instead of taking a break from their self-absorption. Pricks! Truly, the fury goes all through me, and I shake my head at people’s audaciousness. Even worse, every time I am trying to get on an elevator a jerk is waiting right inside the door trying to get off before allowing me to get on! Each time I am speeding down the highway, some ninny tries to edge her way in from the on ramp, attempting to make me slow down or change lanes. Ain’t gonna happen, lady, I ain’t no sucker! And when I am trying to enjoy a movie with my boots propped up on the seat in front of me, quietly texting a friend, people have the gull to act offended and put out. Each time I experience each of these scenarios (and a plethora of others) it shocks and revolts me more than the time previous. I wish people were more like me; if they would all just simply follow the norms of common decency and protocol, my life would be so much better.
My life never ceases to be a roller coaster. Changing on the whim of a fickle breeze. Despite the fifteen extra pounds I have on my being at the moment, I felt fairly potent as I caught my naked reflection in the mirror today at the gym locker room—in comparison to the other men around me. True, most were Old McOldinskies, Skinny McSkinersons, Fatty McFattersons, or plain old Grossy McGrossersons. I saw eyes flicker towards me. Not in sexual lust, but in envy. I stood a little taller and didn’t worry about putting the towel on. Did Michelangelo put a leaf on David? A few seconds later, having nearly finished the affirmative appraisal in the mirror, I shut my locker and bent down to get my towel to carry beside me. That is when they walked in. Maybe the two most beautiful men in the world. Not a stitch on them. Chiseled chest, double sets of wash-board abs, towersome thighs, perfect… well, everythings. They walked to their lockers directly beside mine. My eyes caught my erratic reflection intertwine with theirs. Suddenly, I saw who I really was: De Mclusional. Two sets of towels quickly found their way around my body. Thank God for fifty dollars in sushi!