views of life

“Confess your faults to one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” James 5:16

Confess your faults. Confess your sins. Pray for one another. Love one another. The very fact that a person should hear your faults and pray for you and in essence help you (if that person is indeed righteous) indicates that it is good for us to be completely open with others (especially fellow Christians) and expect them to show us love and support us through it all. Maybe not accept everything we say and do as good, but, nevertheless, love us and validate our value (way to use the same word in two ways!) and worth as a human being. Thankfully, this is how it always works, every time. And, yes, I did grow up on another planet.
“Brother Jim, thank you for meeting with me today. I am heavy burdened with angst, temptation, and affliction. I am so thankful for your graciousness that allows you to hear my confession and supplications. You see, I am cursed above all men. I desire to lay down with another man. Yes, I know, the very reason for the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. I do not take this lightly. I do not want to be the instrument of my fellow man’s demise. Your virtue is widely known and endorsed and I am assured that your support and interceding on my behalf will alleviate this accursed misery upon my soul.”
“Oh, dear brother, erase the guilt upon your heart. Let not the shame and confusion cloud your eyes. Your value in the Lord and to your brothers and sisters within the blood is secure. This thorn of the flesh does not take away the intrinsic value of your person or soul. We shall beseech the Good Father on your behalf that His Will be accomplished through you and that He may receive glory from your deliverance. None here shall judge nor condemn you, for you face a plight that few of us have been deemed sufficient to carry. Let us wrap our arms around you and encase you within Love and bring you before the Healer that you may experience the intrinsic value of who you are and who you shall become.”
Please forgive me, faithful reader, I think I just urinated within the brown corduroy bellbottoms I am wearing due to the abrupt laughter that just erupted from me. Let me clean up, I’ll be right back. . .
Let’s just say that if you even half-way are under the impression that you will receive such a flowery endorsement of your worth if you tell someone of your desire for another man (or woman, if you happen to be female) you might as well mess your pants and continue to wear them for awhile and just skip the other process. Don’t get me wrong, there are many who will accept you for who you are and love you unconditionally. Most of those will not be the traditional fundamentalist, or the typical male of the species. Although I have met several who are contrary to such a personality.
“Mrs. Jensen, I greatly enjoy the opportunity to teach your son. He shows great intrinsic talent and aptitude in the area of Biology and other life sciences. . . What’s that. . . You heard that I am gay. . .Why, yes I am. . . No, I don’t think of your son as attractive. He is a very nice boy, but he is still a child and my student. . . No, ma’am, being gay doesn’t mean that I like all males, just like being straight would not mean that I would be attracted to all females, even younger ones. . . yes, ma’am, I am sure the school would meet your request to have your son instructed by another teacher. . . I don’t really think that it would be necessary to inform the other parents of my students; I teach the science, nothing about sexual orientation. . . no, I won’t stop you from telling. . . I am sorry you feel that way ma’am. . .”
It was drilled into me as a child that we never tell people anything that is overly negative. We don’t talk about what we have done wrong. We don’t talk about the arguments that go on within the house. We don’t talk about things that have happened in the past. We don’t need to confide such things to others. All we need to do is confess it to the Lord. He can keep a secret. Others will tell everyone else and use it against us. Others will use it as gossip and ways to hurt us. And, never, never, ever, even in a diary, write any such information down. It will ruin your life. It will be publicized from every corner of the world. Keep everything within the family. Period.
I was brilliant at this. When people said I was the perfect child, they weren’t wrong. I was perfect, in every way. I followed every rule. I did not argue back. I got straight A’s, nearly. I never resisted going to church or praying or hearing the Bible read. I was pleasant and engaging with adults, and I kept my mouth shut about things that should not be known. When people said they loved me, they should. Why wouldn’t they love me? Perfection is lovable. If someone didn’t love me, something was dreadfully wrong with them. Luckily, everyone did, so they were all sane. The problem comes in that I knew I was not perfect. I knew there were parts of me that no one knew, even my family—one part in particular (that part where I am gay—don’t tell anyone, it’s a secret). Therefore, I was never really loved, never really good enough. That perfect little boy was loved, by everyone, by God, by himself. I knew I was not really that little boy. There was no such love available for me. I also knew I would never be that perfect boy. There would never be such love available for me.
Once I began to open up and tell people my dark secret, everything else came pouring out as well. The flood gates have opened and the torrents have not begun to ebb. If I am to be known and assured of love, then I have to make sure that the people close to me know every aspect of my heart, every nuance of my thought process, every worry, fear, concern, idea, everything. Nothing can be kept private, because maybe they will stop knowing me and when they say they love me, it will not be me they are referring to. Ok, as a group now, let’s say it together: Over-compensation: Excessive compensation, especially the exertion of effort in excess of that needed to compensate for a physical or psychological characteristic or defect: Over-compensation. Good job, class!

Note on 10.21.07: Going back though the book has been so very interesting for me, even if it has not been so enlightening for others. I have laughed aloud many times at some of the private jokes that I wrote about in the midst of my pain, and I have consequently been amazed that I was able to have a sense of humor at the time, albeit a bitter humor. I look back on those many, many months in my life and simply see a black pit that I was stuck in. At the same time, despite the loneliness that I felt, there was a strange sense of safety that surrounded me. In some way, my hurt and anger protected me from the rest of life. All that mattered was my pain and my desperation. While I never want to go back to that place, it was simpler at times. I could narrow everything down, back to black and white. A lot of what I wrote, I still agree with, and at times find surprisingly insightful—pain really does make for better writing. However, other times, as with this entry, I am impressed by the blinding anger that was in me, and while much of what is said in this section I still believe to be true, it is tainted with bitterness. While there are many, especially some of the ‘most righteous’ that have indeed been willing to crucify men like me, there are just as many who are willing to love, if not accept, and touch my life. I have seen more of God’s love and grace since I have been living life as a fallible human gay man than I ever did as the emblem of ‘Christian’ perfection.