the chase

There is a scene in “The Happening” (the new M. Night Shyamalan movie that nearly everyone hated [I kinda liked it]) that I related to. One that has made its way repeatedly through my head over this past weekend. It is towards the end when Mark Walberg and his girl found themselves at the insane woman’s house out in the middle of nowhere. As the nutzo woman watches the couple, she abruptly asked, “So, who’s chasing who?” They both humorously acknowledge that Mark’s character was the one who was doing the chasing. I don’t know if I had ever put it as blunt as that in my mind before. I have since talked to other people and found that most people subscribe to that theory of relationships. There is always one person chasing the other. The roles can change, but there is always one chasing a little bit more. It doesn’t mean that they both don’t love each other or want to be together, it just means that at any given moment one of them needs the other more.
I’m the chaser. It’s strange because at the beginning of our relationship, Chad was the chaser. For months. It was clear to both of us. It was the first time I had ever really been the one who was chased. It was strange. I wasn’t used to not feeling that desperate, have to be with them every moment, feeling. It actually helped me be sure that Chad was the one I wanted to be with. It wasn’t that I couldn’t breathe without him, or that I couldn’t fathom what my life with be like if he didn’t love me back. It was simply that I enjoyed my life more when he was with me. It was a clear headed, very ‘adult, mature’ decision. Not very long after we made things more official, our roles switched. At one point, over a year into our relationship, I brought up how I liked how it used to be at the beginning, when he wanted very little more than to simply be with me, back when I wasn’t just a normal part of his life, when I wasn’t a guarantee. He looked at me bewildered and said, “Seriously? I don’t. I was miserable, always afraid I would loose you. I like this much better.”
There is some love song that I have always pictured as real love. One of the lines says, ‘I wanna take you for granted.’ That really is love, I think, when you’ve been together long enough and are comfortable and secure enough to take each other for granted. Not all the time, obviously, but at times. Otherwise, I’m not sure if either of you truly have faith in the relationship.
Chad went to Texas again with his best friend this past weekend. I am glad to say that I am not co-dependent to the level where I sat home and cried all day. In fact, I had a very good time during the day, seeing friends, hanging out with my brother, and working on some of my art projects, time to simply be Brandon, not Brandon & Chad, or Chandon as our friends call us. However, the nights (still no tears, mind you) were different. His absence was a palpable force and I was sorta miserable. Plus, I have naturally inherited the irrational worry gene from my family. What if they are in a car wreck? What if someone kills them? What if he gets drunk and wanders out in the highway? What if the plane they are on was deemed to be the next tool for Osama?
Chad is really good about calling me every morning when he gets up and texts me periodically throughout the day and to tell me good night and that he will talk to me in the morning, and that he loves me. And, I know he does. I also know, I’m the chaser, and that while he truly loves me, he doesn’t miss me the way I miss him. I talked to someone about this yesterday and he laughingly told me that he and his boyfriend were the exact same, except that I was his boyfriend. My friend said that his boyfriend ‘needs’ him more, but that it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love him just as much as the needing boyfriend loves him. (This is where writing about gay relationships is harder than straight ones—too many masculine pronouns to keep straight.)
So, am I worried that Chad doesn’t love me? No. Do I think he is unhappy with how things are with us? No, in fact, I think it says just the opposite. Does it mean that I wish he were the chaser right now? Hell, yes. Although, if he were, then I wouldn’t be quite as excited as I am right now. I get to see Chad tonight! If feel like it is Christmas morning and I get to open my presents tonight. I am so thankful that I have been blessed with a man that I miss so much, one that I need so greatly, and one that thrills and excites me just by getting to be in his presence.