Release of words and fears

My stars aligning, lotto winning, moment of discovery future is at an agonizing standstill. Every moment that it is on pause drives home to a greater degree how very unlikely it truly is that my dreams will actually come to fruition. I have two of my very dear friends (TB & CR-L) reading the rough draft of my novel. Actually, I have four friends reading it, but I think only two are actually going to have time to read it, which is fine. When I gave them the draft, I emphasized several times that I truly wanted their critical opinion. Now that the month or so has gone by, I have begun to question that decision. CR-L is finished and TB is getting close. Both of them have told me that they have suggestion that they hope will help and want to get together to discuss it, which is exactly what I wanted. Both of them have been very supportive and talked about being honored to do this for me and admiring my undertaking of this endeavor. Neither has said anything about liking it. Which seems to be an intentional way of not lying without being overly harsh. Of course, I may be reading into it, but I don’t think so. I have been wishing lately, that I had not had anyone read it and that I had just submitted it for publication and seen where the chips fell. However, I know that is just my weakness and insecurity talking. Above all, it shows how blessed I am to have such true friends that not only would take the immense amount of time to read what is an approximately 450 or so page novel with an editing eye but also be so secure in our friendship that they know they can be completely real about what they think. On one had it excites me to get their feedback so that I can alter the book to be better. I don’t only want to be a published writer, but want to have a quality, creative, and meaningful book that was worth the time to write and worth the money and time for others to purchase and read. The process, however, is more personal than lying out naked for all to inspect and criticize. While I want to make the book better, it is also hard to consider going back to that novel after the months have past. I immersed myself in their world completely for months, even when I wasn’t writing; part of me was always with them. When I finished, I said my good-byes. I have never been good at returning to places where the door has been closed. It doesn’t help that I have entered the world of my second novel. I have about fifteen pages of notes and have most of the entire book mapped out on paper and in my head. It could not be more different than the first, in terms of subject, style, and its level of darkness. It will be hard to transition from this new world back into the old one and do so in a believable way. I really wanted to submit this first draft for publication in October. It is hard to let the deadline go, and now I have to try for January, but even that seems overly ambitious. I wonder how many writers work tirelessly for years and never see their works on any other format that on their computer screens, and how many more see their words bound and stacked on shelves in Barnes & Noble and never see them make their way into the publics hands or interest. I wonder where my words will travel.