Wednesday, November 11, 2009

bittersweet reality and upcoming words

Of course, after a genuine effort to harden my heart and deal with the fact that he cares so little that he doesn’t even make contact, who should email me yesterday? I only let it hurt me a little. I only let it make me happy a little. I am glad he cares enough to at least check in a say hello and see how I am. I also have to remind myself that it means nothing more than that. He doesn’t miss me. He doesn’t think of me often. He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t have any inclination to return. He is happier now than he was with me. None of that changes and I can’t let myself hope for the ungrounded fantasies that would say otherwise. However, I can take some comfort that at least I crossed his mind. I will not expect it from him again but will let myself be please if he does.
On a different note (yet still operating out of what my heart wants most), I am starting to think of the news from the publisher that is supposed to happen in mid-December. I’ve done a good job of letting it go and trusting that whatever will happen will happen (which is elementary and doesn’t take much faith, I know). I have hope (ungrounded fantasy) that he will write and say, I would love to publish your novel, I just need you to make such and such changes. However, I know that is not realistic. How many publishers and books did Stephen King go through before he go published? How many publishers told JK Rowlings that Harry Potter would never go anywhere? What are the chances that on my first attempt, with the publisher I want the most, that he would have a positive reaction? Regardless, as I have demonstrated to my detriment before, I can’t stop myself for hoping for the impossible. He is supposed to get back with me by December 17. However, I plan on leaving him alone until after the New Year, if I don’t hear from him. It is fun to look forward to, no matter what the outcome. However, it would be really amazing to have this year bring one fulfillment of the deepest longings of my heart and soul. Even if it is the one I would choose secondary—it still would be beyond wonderful and I would weep with joy—which would truly be a wonderful experience this year!

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