new ways of things

There are many things I have wanted to write about over the past week: over-whelmed by school and the job next year, a suicide of a family friend, people that are driving me crazy (stranger insinuating I don’t take very good care of my dogs—grrrr), trying to sell my rabbit hutch, replanting my yard (it’s gorgeous, even if it does look at an old man lives here now), my continued astonishment of how preposterous grad school is…
Instead I have simply chosen to sit down in my yard and write about me. I go back to get tattoo filled in tomorrow. The outline took four and a half hours last Friday. My first two really didn’t hurt very much. This one hurt the ENTIRE time. Crazy. So, really looking forward to tomorrow. The tattoo enabled my boyfriend to see me freak out for the first time. I have thought about this tattoo for nearly five years and it is what I have wanted, and I think it look pretty good. However, I got home, took my shirt off and started crying. I didn’t see Brandon in the mirror anymore, it was someone else. I experience a claustrophobic type sensation, I felt trapped within the tattoo, and it seemed that would last for the rest of my life. After much consoling and sweetness, the bf got the tears to stop flowing and convinced me he really liked it and still loved me. Now, a week later, Brandon is back and I don’t really even notice the tattoo, or it kinda like it has always been there.
All this brings me back to what I want to talk about: being in a relationship. The boyfriend, CNH, accomplished something that I really didn’t think was possible. He gave me time, let me be freaked out at times, without freaking out himself, never pressured me, and always waited for me to say things first (want to see you again, I really like you, I love you, I want to be serious). I know he was worried at times, but he did the only thing that would have worked with me, he waited. This is something I am horrible at, and am so impressed by. He gave me time to hash through my emotions and evaluate every detail, all the while being sweet, affectionate, and treating me better than I have been treated, which says a ton, as my last boyfriend (who you may have heard of, lol) treated me wonderfully, completely.
One of the things that really through me off was that I was expecting my next relationship to feel like my last one: firey, consuming, take-your-breath-away, etc, only times a thousand. I have realized two things. One, that was my first love, and there will never be another first love. Two, you will never experience the same kind of love with two different people. Doesn’t make one better or worse, simply different. We are nearing our four month mark, and I am confident in the relationship, calm even. It’s strange. I don’t stress over when he will call or where he is, not devastated if I don’t get to spend every second with him, and I don’t feel the pressure to figure out if he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with right now. It is amazing.
I have been amazed about how well things have gone. Granted, I know it is only four months, but that’s a couple years in gay time. I am intensely comfortable around him, constantly laughing, and feel like an equal. There are things I adore about him and things that aren’t the symbol of perfection, and, for once, I am completely ok with that! And, TMI alert, I never knew being intimate with someone could feel so completely natural.
I have no idea where things are going to end up, but that is just fine. Maybe we will be together for six months and go our own ways, that is fine. Maybe we will be together the rest of our lives, that is fine. I don’t have to know right now. Either way, I am so unbelievably blessed right now, and content. Wonders truly never cease.