Because I need to tell someone. . .

I think the shock has finally started to wear off. Actually, it started a couple days ago. I hadn’t realized I was in shock. If you had asked me a week ago at this time, I would have told you that Chad and I were fine. We weren’t at our very best, but that we were good. If you asked me if I thought we would end up staying together for good, I would have been 85% positive. So to find myself suddenly single and alone, completely set me off balance. I couldn’t really focus on the small or big details of the matter, just that he was gone, and it seemed impossible. After five nights alone, the shock is gone and the reality is setting in. On one hand, I am amazed at the strength and clarity that God has allowed me to have thus far. I haven’t gone of the deep end, shut myself off from everyone, or called him begging him to take me back (like that would work!). However, there are moments of such extreme pain that it is more than I have ever had in my life. To suddenly be kicked off the path leading to ‘marriage’ one day to having my entire life altered in a matter of moments is agony. Every time something happens, I start to text him, just like always. Every time I walk out of work, I start to call him, just like always. Every time I get into bed, I wait for a kiss and to say I Love You, just like always. It’s not like I had something and it got replaced with something else. Every moment of my life was filled up (which is part of what Chad needed, and I know that, less of every moment being filled up), and now I am left with gapping holes. People are telling me they are sure he’ll come back (though those are few), many are telling me to shut the door and not talk to him (that is a stupid suggestion, neither one of us deserve or want that). No one knows. I don’t. Not even Chad, at least not 100%. I miss him so much, and I have a loneliness that creeps up on me when I think I am actually ok. Not a loneliness to be with someone, just a loneliness from the absence of him, specifically. I am not making it where the earth ends if he doesn’t come back one day, but I do feel like I need to have some modicum of faith and hope. I think a wonderful relationship of over two years with your best friend deserves nothing less. I think Chad and I, separately and individually, deserve nothing less.
I have felt people’s prayers. Truly. Despite what I am describing now, I (and other people) have been amazed how I am really doing. Even I didn’t know that I was this strong. I can also feel the prayers for Chad and I, regardless if we can get back together or not. There is still such obvious care between the two of us in our continual communication—that is not the norm in a break up. In and of itself is a gift from God and proof Chad continues to be my best friend, even if he can’t be.
Please continue to keep both of us in your prayers. Of course you know what my desire is, but pray for him, that he is safe, and finds whatever he needs, even if it’s not me, and that he will know how very loved he is.