Day Two

I just got home from spending the day with my parents and brother, and all our dogs. My brother spent the night with me last night. He slept on the sofa in the living room, so any time I needed to I just peered out of bed and saw the light coming from around the bedroom door. Just having him in the house helped so much. I think I was so exhausted from the crying that I passed out, which was wonderful—until I woke up and the crying started again.

I have been amazed by my parents. They have been so loving. Not that they aren’t normally, but I expected them to somehow at least make some comment about how this is what happens in gay relationships, but they didn’t. They cried with me, literally. They said nice things about Chad. It made it so safe to be there the past day and a half. It was so hard to come back home. I don’t know what I would have done without the three of them. And now, I have every night for the rest of the week booked up with friends that are going to be with me in the evenings so I don’t have to be alone. I truly am blessed to be surrounded by such love.

Yesterday was just agony over losing Chad and having him leave, I was lost to the pain of his absence. This has still been there today, but also continual thoughts of not really being able to trust what he told me, even though he has always been nothing but honest with me, even when it hurts. What if it wasn’t him that needed to leave to figure himself out? What if it really was me? Too needy, too boring, to dull, not enough for him to want to stay? If it is any of those, then he won’t come back.

It is the most horrible thing. We were together almost exactly two years and three months. Right now, it feels like yesterday that we started dating, like the last two years were only moments. His stuff is gone, there are a few items that prove he was here at all. It almost makes me ask if it really happened. I don’t want Chad to have been a time in my life. Although, it was the best two years of my entire life, and I wouldn’t trade them. I don’t want to have to look back and remember what was with us. I want us. Planning life, walking through all of it together. Why is that so much to ask? What if he doesn’t ever miss me or want to come back? How do you go from spending every night in the arms of your best friend who you love watching the grey creeping into their hair, to hugging a pillow? How do I have faith that he will come back without driving myself insane? How can I be sure that he truly knows how much I love him? Even if he never wants to return, it is so important to me that he knows I love him. I love him.