Monday, January 23, 2012

again and again and again and again

Honestly, I received enough negative feedback from the last blog that I’ve been hesitant to write again. Then, I remembered, which I really do forget sometimes, I do this blog for me. Not for affirmation. Not for attention. Simply to get out some of my crazy. Just putting it out there makes things a bit better, a bit more manageable. Like letting steam out of a pressure cooker. Ideally, blogging helps me figure something out, but most often, it simply is to get some relief from the crazy inside my head and chest. So, yes, I am fully aware that the last blog highlighted my neediness, clinginess, emotional vampirism, and showed me being someone pathetically gross.
Whelp… truth hurts.
Be glad you’re not in my head. It’s exhausting.
Hence, the blog.
Mentally, it’s been an emotionally up and down weak. Ninety-nine percent not at all due to Smokey (one percent yes), but all due to my own sickness. If I cut out that sickness, things are really, really great between us. He expends so much time/effort to make sure I know how much he loves me and that he is fighting for us. We have so much fun together. I really don’t know how I could love him any more. Even as I say that, fear spikes through me for all I could loose. (See? Exhausting! Ridiculous!)
I am starting to realize my own insanity more and more in that area. I’m hoping that awareness will come with actualized change. For my sanity and for his. He is a patient, patient man at times with me.
What? Another entire blog about being needy and letting fear overtake the joy in your life? Yep. Looks like it!


Cheeseburgers and Pajamas said...

Hey B,
You know what your relationship issues are, how you beat yourself up etc. Take it easy on yourself and enjoy what you have. It is clear that Smokey has invested in the relationship. If not, he would have already left. Enjoy what you have :) Not everyone gets a second chance love.

Anonymous said...

Something to consider.