Monday, January 09, 2012

need to make an appointment!

Today’s installment will probably sound like complaining, and it really isn’t. It’s just free therapy time.
I really find anyway to drive myself crazy. Number one culprit? My needy, co-dependent, clingy disposition.
Smokey is out with his friends tonight, and probably will end up staying with them or at his house. This is a good thing for him. He needs space, and it’s healthy to have a little time apart, I know it’s all good. However, I sit here and feel rejected, worried he won’t return, wondering why I wasn’t good enough to be with this evening. Fucking ridiculous. Truly. It’s none of those things. I know he loves me. He shows me so very much, all the time, I also know he’ll return—whether it’s tonight or tomorrow. I also know my weaknesses and how I tend to think and feel about things. Even so, knowing all I know, having done so much therapy, it still is all I can do not let it overwhelming me. I think its fear that begins to consume. Just expecting things to either be ripped away or run away on their own. It’s my tendency to hold on tight enough to asphyxiate a python. It’s so frustrating to feel like I’m a pretty smart guy, especially around relational issues and such and still allow myself to play this mind fuck game. So frustrating that I allow it into the relationship that means that most to me! I do know this, I’ve got to start getting this under control. For both Smokey and myself. No pressure! But really. I have all I’ve been dreaming of right now, why can’t I just let my spirit rest in that? Argh!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi Brandon,

Don't be so hard on yourself! It's not like gay Christians have any good role models on how to be in a gay relationship. Heck, every second of everyday, I feel like I'm learning new things with my partner and sometimes, I feel exactly the same as you express in your blog.

I really appreciate your willingness to share things because it's helped me since I've come out 2 and a 1/2 years ago.