Sex, Chocolate, and Apparent Lobotomies

I often suffer from extreme insecurity, self-doubt, inadequacy. It’s a disease. I am on medication for it: Sonic double cheeseburgers. God, I love being sick!!! In spite of this affliction, it is rare that someone can make me feel insignificant. I can do it to myself in record time, but it takes quite a bit for it to come from another entity. Tonight such an event occurred. I was on my way home from teaching, and my tape player ate tape number four of Dean Koontz’s Taken. An event worthy of a great deal of depression and tears all on its own merit. Forlorn, I turned my radio on to talk radio to hear the new political commentary. I really am growing up. It is truly impressive. Apparently, there were no murders, slutty politicians, or global warming issues to discuss as the topic was the Snicker’s commercial from the Superbowl (previously mentioned in my last blog, you know, the one with the two guys kissing—see how cutting edge I am…). According to these hosts (who I often very much agree with and respect) some leaders of the gay community are urging homosexuals to unite and boycott Snickers (see, told you a lot of Southern Baptists are gay). This may or may not be factual. The electronic messager/identifier that was imbedded in my forehead when I took my gay vows did not alert me to this new stance of my people. Maybe there is a short somewhere. I should go be to the factory and get that checked out, before I miss any bulletins alerting me to new gay porn. If this piece of random information is true, I truly hope the leader of this insanity chokes on the bullshit as it falls from his or her queer lips. I thought the commercial was brilliant, hysterical, and progressive. Sure, the guys reacted in complete mortification after the kiss and had to do something ‘manly’ by ripping out chest hair (or getting hit with a wrench, or drinking motor oil) to prove their virility. How many of us can say after our first gay kiss we didn’t freak out for a bit? Two big, hairy, masculine men accidentally sucked face on national TV during football fest. Talk about huge steps forward. All my faggotty-ass friends thought it was great too. Now, I realize there are those who have opposing opinions to my own, and they have a right to those. They have to right to be wrong, who am I to stop them? They should just shut their mouth and fantasize about their first kiss, which judging form the ginormous sticks up their assses, was probably pretty boring and lame. Bad, gay leaders. Bad!!!! No bone for you! (sigh, no bone. Bone. They’re gay, and they don’t get their bone…. Priceless! I love me!)
As disgustingly narrow minded at this view was, it was how the host and their callers responded to it that was sickening. Even if part of me felt their frustration at the ridiculous politically correct bullshit being shoved down their throat. They went off about the ‘Gay Agenda,’ and how they keep giving the gays what they want and we just keep pushing for more. How our views are corrupting kids and making them gay, and how they used the commercial to tell their kids they should only kiss girls. How they don’t want their kids to be gay because it is harder. Fuck yeah, its harder! Because of assholes like them! I’m sure it makes it a lot easier for their gay little kid to have their daddy use a commercial about chocolate and peanuts to tell them they are corrupted. And easier means the only right? Isn’t it easier to be white? Isn’t it easier to be male? Isn’t it easier to be born independently wealthy? Wouldn’t it have been easier for Martin Luther King Jr. to keep his big mouth shut, deal with being a sub-class citizen, paint his face white, and not get shot to death? Sorry Mr. King, you and your views were wrong, because they weren’t easy? Seriously? Wouldn’t it have been easier for the Puritans to stay in religious oppression in England instead of bringing it here? Well, it would have for the Native Americans, I am sure. But then we wouldn’t have a holiday about turkey, and that would be sad. And AGENDA? And giving us what we want? Oh, that’s right! I can’t be fired from being a teacher because I am a fag. Oh, wait, yes I can. That’s right, I can get married and have EQUAL FUCKING RIGHTS to the all the beautiful straight, rich, white men out there. Oh, wait, no I can’t!
I can handle people telling me they think I suck, they think I am ugly, they don’t love me. Hurts, but I can deal. What I can’t deal with? People treating me like a mindless, spoiled, self-deceived little boy.
Thank God I am white and male. Two out of four ain’t bad. Maybe they will still let me play golf at their country club. Oh shit! I forgot, I’m gay. Can’t play sports. Maybe I can just bleach and starch their white hoods for them so they will be crisply pointy and bright by the time they finish the 18th hole.