Reset

I am sitting on my front porch with Dunkyn. It is still raining from the downpour we experienced about fifteen minutes ago. The breeze is cool, the birds are chirping like crazy--probably excited about the feast of worms the rain has surfaced. Everything is glistening green and beautiful. Perfect day to curl up on the front porch swing and snuggle with the boy you love. Sigh. Thank God for Dunkyn, at least.
Rather than simply sitting and enjoying this beautiful world I live in, I think I will delve into my haphazard psyche yet again. I have recently (within the past two weeks) decided to hit the reset button in my life. I guess this is mainly coming in the form of work, but hopefully reset will also happen within the realms of my thinking and feelings as well. I have worked at DCH for the past six years, since one week after college. Five of those years as a counselor and one as a teacher. I have no doubt that the counseling job will always be the best job of my life. I loved it. One of those things you love, but could not go back to because you are not the same person.
This summer has been the hardest(hands down) of my life and has made me a little unstable and concurrently caused a hell of a lot of introspection. All of which has caused me to take some steps or at least begin preparing to take some steps. While not everything has to be perfect in life to work at DCH, it helps when you are on top of your game. I know that if I go back right now, I will be eaten alive and not really be able to give my best to my kids. In addition, I have realized that a huge portion of my self-worth and self-definition is based on my performance at my job. I have not had an adult identity outside of DCH. Who am I if I am not "sacrificing" myself for my kids? What is my worth if I am not "changing the world, one life at a time"? What do I have to offer someone (friends, family, lover) if this is not who I am? Answer: I don't know. I am going to find out, however. I am scared. I just jumped off a cliff and I have no reserve in my parachute bag. I am excited. I am going to takes some risks. I am going to live and not simply do what people expect of me and what I think is the simplest path. In this vein, I have decided not to get my doctorate after I finish my masters. At least not directly after. I am going to take art classes! I have always wanted to make a living doing art, and I have always been too insecure, too afraid, and felt like it was too selfish. Well, done with that. Right now, if my professinal dreams come true, I will be publishing art books, children's books, prints, and maybe even some novels, and still work/volunteer/substitute with kids (I can not imagine my life without them--of course maybe one day, the kids I work with will be my own). Maybe none of this will come to fruition, but, maybe it will. I am going to start down that road, nevertheless. I am excited about really becoming the man I meant to be. Instead of operating out of a sense of obligation and insecurity, I will be able to function out of a sense of abundance and security. In theory, anyway. When people tell me they love me, I will be able to accept that to higher degree, because I will be more me. When a man decides to build a life with me, he will have an equal, not a subservient or half-personality.
In addition, and seemingly contradictorily, I plan on doing less over-analyzing. I tend to pick things apart until there is nothing left. Everything doesn't have to be perfect, and I don't always have to know the final outcome to give myself to something or someone. I learned this lesson a little too late. At least, I had better have learned it by now.
Well, I need to take Dunkyn on a walk, get a housewarming gift, eat some fattening pasta, and watch a episode of Charmed (shut up, no judgment) before going out tonight. This entry was not the sarcastic diatribe I was expecting, but it was fun to share some of dreams and plans of the moment.