Friday, April 16, 2010

the best defense is

Surprise of big surprises, I have decided to irresponsible and stupid. I am going to Seattle this evening and returning early Sunday morning. I honestly don’t think I have enough money to do all the things I’m wanting to do (mainly eat) in Seattle, but at least the $50 plane ticket and hotel are paid for and I can get around. The real one year anniversary is Sunday, the 18th. However, he told me he was leaving on a Friday and then we packed and he left me on Saturday. So, in most ways, tonight and tomorrow feel more similar. I hope I can pay only a few moments of homage to him, to us, to what could have been, and what we should have been, and to the past year—then move on and live and enjoy the city. I am pretty sure I am going to go dancing tonight. I don’t like to go clubbing, but I haven’t been dancing in well over a year and I’ve had an itch to go for a few months. I don’t for obvious reasons—so as long as I’m in the mood still, I’m gonna go tonight. Typically, I dance a lot better after four shots of Jagermeister—but as I for sure can’t afford that, I will have to simply psych myself up enough to get over myself and just get lost in the music. Of course, it could be nice to simply be in the city tonight as well. Tomorrow, I am spending the entire day at the wharf and downtown, and I plan to eat my way through it. I hope I might find a few moments to write at a coffee shop, but I may not. I’ve always wanted to take the underground tour of downtown Seattle—complete with ghost and criminal stories. I think I’ll do that for a few hours. While I am nervous about what my emotions might do, I am so thankful to not have to be here, not to sleep in our bed, not to have to see anyone I know and pretend to be okay or complain to them one more time. I will spend a few moments being me tomorrow. The rest of the time, I will be someone else—maybe helping be truly become someone else.

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