Wednesday, April 28, 2010

cliff diving

This blog is reckless. Is stupid. Is adolescent.
I know better. I know how juvenile and flighty it sounds. I know I’m foolish.
However, I am going to share it anyway. What haven’t I shared? My weaknesses are evident to all. Why try to cover this one in an attempt to be logical and intelligent.
I met someone not very long ago. We’ve been talking on the phone nightly, for hours. (Lives three hours away.) He’s coming for the weekend. There are a million and one reasons I should stay away. Some of them due to him. Many more due to me. Even more due to my frame of mind.
It may not go past this weekend. We may spend more time in person together and say, “Wow, what the hell were we thinking?"
However, we might not.
And here’s what I do know. By all accounts, I never should have gone on a date with Chad. Everyone said I was crazy. And while he obviously didn’t love me enough, and while I learned what pain is, I wouldn’t give a moment away, and I’d do it all again knowing the ending. The ending, I don’t believe was destiny. It was choice. His.
So, with what I feel I’ve learned, I’m not going to let all my worries, and pre-conceived fears dictate my life.
I know I haven’t been so excited for something in well over a year. And, honestly, the timing is the one thing that makes sense. Something changed in me two weeks ago when the year past, when I was in Seattle. Love him less? Not at all. Feel more whole, like I can start living again. I really think so. Not due to the phone conversations and this weekend—due to me, to time, to lots and lots and lots of grieving, processing, and prayer (and fury).
All that said—I share with you my stupidities, my fears, my anger, my irrational drama, and the ludicrous nuances of my life. So, I share this.
I’m excited! This weekend may lead to something huge. This weekend may lead to tears. This weekend may lead to apathy. This weekend may only be a great weekend, period. I don’t know, obviously—and the positive thoughts I do have (that I’ve shared), I realize that I can’t trust yet. And while I’ve learned to live thoughtfully and cautiously, I’ve also learned to go for it. There will always be hurts and tears and pain. You can sit and drown in them. When a life raft comes along, whether it will carry you to shore or simply offer you reprieve, take it!
What shocks me the most—I had hope somewhere inside of me. Waiting. Really thought that was dead. While it’s scary, it’s pretty awesome.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dear Ramblings,

As a former “cliff diver” I feel for you…positively! Bravo for you for all that you are able to feel and allowing the weekend to take place. Sometimes it better to feel something (whatever that maybe) than not to feel anything at all. Let nature take its course this weekend. Make no prejudgments, get to know him and get acquainted with making new meaningful relationships. No one said you have to marry the guy.

I hope the weekend goes well for you.

You’ll have to continue the ramblings.

My best,
Covert 33

P.S. I usually use couple of Kleenex and blow. I normally don’t dig for “golden nuggets”