airpowered

Let me start by saying, I’m not in tears right now. In fact, as today marks the first day in several that I don’t want to take a nail gun to my forehead to relieve the sinus pressure, I’m doing pretty good.
Let me say this as well. The events of yesterday have made me accept something that I think I’ve been too scared or guilty to say—but that probably everyone else knew. I think I’m ready to give being in a relationship a try again. Even saying that brings up such a torrent of emotions (guilty, as if I’m cheating on him, fear that I’m give up too soon, etc). It also makes me realize that maybe I simply am not feeling it with the very few who have expressed interest in a relationship, but I wasn’t able to go there with them.
Warning: If you choose to read between the lines of the following, you may experience TMI.
After talking to a cute guy for the past week (someone I’ve known for years, but only in a peripheral sense) we decided to meet yesterday to spend some time getting to know each other better and make out and such. We met at a restaurant, which wasn’t what I’d had in mind. It was our first time to ever spend time one on one. I was shocked. I felt at ease immediately. I was myself, not nervous, not self-conscious, etc. After half an hour or so, my thoughts went beyond kissing to the remote possibility of there being a possible chance for more. And no, I swear that didn’t come across to him.
When it came time for a transition to kissing, he began to speak differently. By the second word, I knew where he was going. I know it by heart. Before he was done, I interrupted. ‘You’re giving me the friends speech already aren’t you?’
‘No. No not at all. For one, I think you’re smoking hot. However, right now, I really just need friends.’
FYI, no matter the context, if the words just and friends are in the same sentence, it’s the friends speech.
At this point, my poker face, ala Lady Gaga, apparently broke.
‘Are you okay?’
‘Yeah,’ not looking at him, ‘you’re kinda triggering something things in me that you don’t mean to, and I know that. Not a big deal.’

“You’re gorgeous, and perfect. I’m just not ready.” They hang up the phone.
“I loved you for years. You’re the only one I’ve ever loved. I just don’t know if I can ever be in a relationship.” They call the day after the reconciliation began.
“I’ll never leave…….If I could ever marry someone it’s you. I hope I can come back to you some day. I’ll never love anyone like you.” They say, as you watch two and half years of your life crumble, then watch them date someone else.
“You’re smoking hot. I need friends right now.” They say before you want a nail gun for other reasons than allergies.