Thursday, September 30, 2010

me, myself, I, and then me all over again

I’ve spoken of this before, but it always strikes me as funny how people have their own views of me—often that are very wrong. People that have known me, sometimes for years, and then see me in a different situation and have their mind blown. Sometimes, I find it funny, often though, I find it rather stupid—as if I’m allowed to only have one-dimension to my personality. It’s also rather funny that depending on how they know me, the flat views of my personality are so varied. Most common are those who simply know me from my online profiles/pictures, or have seen me out and about (the gym, around town, etc.). Apparently, in such areas, I am most often perceived as a cocky party boy. One who likes to drink and do drugs and pretty much thinks he’s the shit. From what I gather (from what people have said and from my own inspection of myself), this most likely comes from the tattoos, the every changing hair which frequently takes the shape of a Mohawk, and that I have good posture—I walk with my shoulders back and chest out (this is due to my mother always getting onto me for slouching—which is now a pet peeve of my own). This perception of me is always my favorite, because it is so far from who I actually am. I rarely drink and have never smoked a cigarette in my life. And as far as cocky. . . I wish.
Then, there is the other extreme. People that have only seen the insecure, quite, sweet, easy-going, nice aspect of me. It always shocks them when I get angry. When I get vehement about an issue. When I get stubborn and bulldoggish. When they discover that I’m rather ferocious and tender in alternations sexually. When I get furious or adamant about a certain belief or situation. These things seem to throw such people off the most. They’ve narrowed me down to a wallflower who is only sweet and a doormat. This seems to be the revelation that some people aren’t able to accept from, to let meld with what they believed about me before.
The reason this is on my mind, other than avoiding the normal thoughts which we are ALL sick of, is how much this has happened at work lately—at district meetings, outdoor lab, etc. People that have known me for a long time but have never spent a long stretch of time with me or seen me in certain situations. For instance, at ODL, there was another teacher there (who will get his own blog entry later when I won’t be quite as vile with his description) who was a gargantuan lump of fat who refused to move to help his disturbed children because his disgusting body couldn’t support its own weight and he didn’t want to put down his novel. Who praised his kids and gave them rewards in order to get them to calm down, after the child would curse out staff and other kids alike. Let’s just say, I had no issue voicing my opinion of this ‘man’ and treating his para with the respect and deferment I would typically give to the teacher. One of my co-teacher, after hearing me speak and watching my interactions with him simply said, “Wow, and here I’ve always thought you were just this little, sweet thing…” She didn’t disagree with my assessment, but was rather thrown off by my fury. Similar happened at a district meeting yesterday when I voiced my assertions that I was sick of the district wasting our time on trainings that neither directly apply to what we do or are things that each of us know like the back of our hands—trainings in which the speaker stands up and says, “I’ve never worked with the kinds of kids you do, but here is this tool. I don’t know if it will help or not, but here it is.” Really? Again? Once more, another teacher looked at me and said, “Wow, I’ve never seen this side of you before. I’m not sure what to do.”

Is any of this important? Nope. Is it really what is weighing heavily on my mind? Nope. Will anyone’s reactions to any of this change me? Nope. Does it provide my fingers the chance to move and my mind to vomit forth words that relieve some of the pressure? Yep. Thanks for that.

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