Sunday, November 28, 2010

lessons that should have been learned long ago

What a crazy, crazy five-day weekend. Wow. From a friend in from out-of-town for a couple nights, to Thanksgiving, to helping my folks move, from massages and massage clients canceling (grrrrr), I haven’t even had time to work out once, let alone even think or write. I’m so tired right now that the back of my eyes are aching. Am I going to bed? No. I’m baking pumpkin bread and blogging. I need at least a couple hours by myself (with the pups, of course—a newly shorn Dunkyn).
I just returned from a double feature: Love and Other Drugs and Burlesque. LaOD, I don’t really know what to say about it. Anne Hathaway is my favorite actress and Jake, well, come on, Jake! Lot’s of naked Jake. Although lots more of naked Anne. Shudder. Gorgeous to be sure in a girl kinda way, but… really I just cringed and got goose bumps trying to write about it. So glad I’m gay! Burlesque… Perfection!
My emotions have been all over the place that past several day. I’m sure in part due to not being able to vomit all my shit on here. Blah, blah, blah…
I’ve been spending a lot of time with a gorgeous late-fiftyish man who has HIV. He has become quite dear to me. One of those relationships where I’m not exactly sure what I am taking from it, but I can feel its importance. Moments that I know I will see crystal clear for the rest of my life. Conversations that will have effect long after they are over.
The strange thing, as we share our stories with each other, we both notice that the core of our emotions are rather the same. Which is peculiar, his being based in his HIV status, and mine based on how my life has turned out.
In what is somewhat of a comfort (to know we all hurt) and somewhat of a torture, he has spoken in depth of his partner he had for year and years, who left him. Years and years ago. He never gets teary. He is a prototype of his generation and military to match. However, even in that framework, the love he has for that man is palpable and the pain he still feels is as real, and in some ways, as fresh as my own.
I really want to write his story. He is fascinating. From his struggle in the military, to his marriage to a woman, his children, his partner’s abandonment, his HIV status, everything. Fascinating, and even though not all the details are things that every person has in common, there isn’t one thing he has gone through that everyone wouldn’t understand and relate to.
We were discussing all the HIV prevention and help service that exists within the gay community. He made a truly telling statement. He feels that most, if not all, gays do their part for HIV outreach and service in name only. To simply feel good about themselves—that they really don’t want it in their faces when in the presence of someone with HIV. I feel the similar to gay marriage. Everyone wants it and is demanding equality, but I really believe the vast (98%+) majority really don’t want it. They say they want marriage, may even tell themselves that, but it’s not really true. Of course, that point of view would have nothing to do with my own experience now would it?

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