the hands i do have

My dear friend TB often used to talk about how folding fitted sheets was always a sad chore for him. It was that time, more than any other, when he would come face to face with being alone, being single. He is much, MUCH, more stoic than I and can appreciate life alone more than I have been able to muster. However, the act of folding fitted sheets (a job much easier with the help of an extra pair of hands) brought his then-solitary life to the forefront.
I have such an event coming up next month—not folding sheets—and I didn’t think it would bug me as much as it has in the past week. I wasn’t really worried about, I wasn’t happy about facing it alone, but I knew I could handle it (He [I think I need to quit using his name so freely, he said it was fine years ago when we were together, but I realize I have no such permission now that we are not, and that isn’t really respectful of me] was with me the last time and made a truly unfun experience almost enjoyable). However, as I planned for it, a picture of how much life has changed in ways I didn’t want came sharper and sharper into focus and, at times, was even stealing my sleep.
The other thing about me, in spite of being enmeshed, co-dependant, needy, is that I don’t like to ask for help. I don’t want to need and it makes me feel rather pathetic to ask for it. And if I do need something, I want the other person to somehow automatically know and initiate the conversation. While still not reality, that option is a lot more likely when you are sharing your life with someone.
Maybe in desperation, maybe in defeat of my attempt to be solitary, I reached out to TB yesterday as asked him to walk with me through this. He quite literally flew within seconds to figuratively stand by my side. While the event next month will be much different, more lonely, and harder than it was before, God (and TB) provided me with the opportunity to look at the love I do have right here and now, see those that have chosen to continue to walk side-by-side and at times hand-in-hand with me, and see how very loved, blessed, and cared for I am.