skin deep

After HWMNBN left, there were (have been) several things on which I stopped spending money. Things got so much harder being a single income household again, that some of my priorities changed. I stopped spending money on a lot of ‘necessities’ and instead spent money on luxury items. I wouldn’t buy paper towels so I could buy a book on tape. I won’t buy new work clothes or shoes so that I can go to the coffee shop. I won’t pay down a credit card so that I can go to Seattle. Good decisions? No, obviously not. Decisions that help me hold onto the little sanity I have left? Most definitely.
One of the ‘necessitates’ that I stopped purchasing was night moisturizer and lotion for my face for when I wake up. Silly, gay, girly. Yeah, whatever. Part of it was because it doesn’t seem to matter about keeping my face a certain way, no one I care to impress anymore. The other thing is the expense. If I get the cheep ones that is a combined $30. That a few cups of White Russian Chai at the coffee house. It was actually something I’ve felt really guilty about. I had tried to take such good care of my face while we were together, trying to make it where I’d age less or have healthier skin the older I got. The past year an a half, I didn’t care anymore, what was the point? The past several weeks have reminded me of the point. Maybe the weather change, maybe the stress, maybe just getting older, but my face has literally been in pain. Not agony or anything, but just constantly irritated. It would split around my lips at times, my chin and jaw continuously chaffing and peeling. Shaving has always reeked havoc on my skin. It hurt, and I have been getting more and more embarrassed and self-conscious about my face and talking to people. While I was grocery shopping two days ago, getting items to go with the free buffalo meat a friend at school gave me (made buffalo burgers-OMG, so freaking good), I used some of the money I’d set aside from massage to help with the mountain trip coming up and purchased both night cream and daily moisturizer (the cheep kind, sadly).
I promise you, my skin has quite literally sighed, both when I go to bed and when I get up in the morning. It’s like it had been dying, like it had been in the desert. I didn’t realize how much it was suffering. Instantly most of the drying skin healed up, there’s only a couple places that are still mending, but those are where the cracks were deepest, and even those will be gone soon. Man, I just realized how utterly gross this sounds. It also sounds like I’m dehydrated, which I don’t see how that would be possible—just as my friends how much water I drink—maybe there is a reason I’m obsessed with mermaids.
It is a reminder that I need to do a better job taking care of myself and taking care of essential things. Going around with your face cracking is something I would imagine will do huge damage to your health and appearance for a long time. While HWMNBN doesn’t give a shit about my appearance anymore, he’s not the one that will have to live with this face for the rest of his life (I’m sure he’s cheering), but I will. I need to take care of it. Plus, I already am not as self-conscious as I speak to people.
Who else would blather on about face cream? Once again, I have no idea why you take the time to read this blog—it really makes me question your sanity. However, thanks! My insanity appreciates it!