Absence

I haven’t been lonely. Not really. I haven’t had time to be lonely. In fact, a lot of the time, I am relieved when I have a few minutes to myself at the end of the day. That is my offering of proof that my emotions are not based out of being alone or some solitary depression. I also have done a really great job of pushing things from my mind the majority of the time and simply focusing on the moment, doing my best to not rehash the past or fantasize about the future. Most of the time. Offering number two. All that being said:

I miss him.

Him specifically.

HIM!

I miss my best friend, the man I trusted more than life itself. The man who very presence made me happy, content, and safe. I miss the dreams we fulfilled and the dreams we were still planning. I miss him loving me. I miss him missing me when I was gone. I miss every nuance of him. I miss how he would turn the heat down on the dryer and I would forget to check and my clothes would never get dry. I miss his kisses. I miss his obsession of remixes. I miss everything that made Chad Chad, and I miss everything about Chad that made Brandon more Brandon than I have ever been.

I’m not lonely. I’m honestly not desperate, at the moment. I’m only crying a little. But there are not the right words to say how much I miss him. How much I love him. How much it aches that half of me is gone.