Road Maps and Lost Moments

This is the first Sunday in twelve weeks that I haven’t gone to church. I started Easter Sunday, and Chad left that week, so I have been to church the eleven weeks since, due to being with mom and dad. Today they had stuff they had to do, so I have the morning free, so guess where I came. . . I love my White Russian Chai. While I have greatly enjoyed spending every Sunday with my family, and I haven’t hated going to church, I have found it nice not to be there. I remember loving church so much as kid, but the was largely due to all my friends and the events surrounding it—and the music. I still love church music, when it’s good, and coming from the Bible belt by people who know how to do church music, I have been hard pressed to be satisfied by any place I have been in Colorado.

Last night was difficult, not break down and sob difficult, but just difficult. Just another reminder of what I have lost, of what I thought I would get to have every year. As a kid, I remember loving watching the fireworks and dreaming of one day having someone by my side, cuddled under a blanket, gazing at the sky with me. I loved Fourth of July’s with Chad. They were simple, sweet, and romantic. I ached for him so much, felt the absence like an amputee. I’m sure he had a crazy, wild Fourth and had none of the emotions I was experiencing. Probably the opposite—thrilled to be able to actually cut loose and have fun, free of his old, clinging, boring ball and chain.

This has been and interesting phase I have entered the past few weeks. Still wanting Chad as much as ever but unwilling to sit around and cry any longer. I have been ‘hanging out’ with several people and constantly staying busy. With the new people I’m meeting, I make it very clear where I am coming from, make sure they know that I am so emotionally unavailable that it’s ridiculous, and that I have fairly firm lines as far as how much they can expect from me. I have meet some really sweet and wonderful people, a few that latch on as if they are going to die if you don’t call them every few minutes, and a couple that lash out in hostility and anger, calling you a coward when you say that you’re not wanting to date or have any such entanglements. While most experience have been nice, some wonderful, overall, I just hate it. This is so not what I want or where I want to be. Of course, I already had what I want and was where I want to be. Somehow, the map must have got crumpled and our road got meshed into another.