ripping/building

This is so not what I was wanting to blog about today. I had a pretty big life moment last night, but I can’t speak of it yet, like I was planning. Maybe at the end I can.

I just got a text from Chad a few moments ago asking me what my plans were for the first weekend in August. Thanks to my delusional psyche, I thought about him taking me to Estes, where we spent our first night out of town together, to rekindle our flame. I’m an idiot, and I am fully aware of that. He wanted to come by and pick up the stuff that I have been storing for him. He is signing the lease where he is going to live and now has room for his stuff. He also asked if we could go to lunch before/after. He wanted to take me to sushi. I know he meant it sweet, trying to take care of me like he always does, but I told him no, that I couldn’t do lunch after that, it would hurt too much. I don’t know how I thought the day would go when he finally got his stuff, but I am sure it had something to do with him realizing that he didn’t want it to leave my house, that he wanted to move back in. Because that’s gonna happen.

I am also sick to death of facebook. I decided several days ago that I was going to quit checking his status to see how he is doing. I realized when he wasn’t aware of my submitting the novel that he doesn’t ever really check mine. Of course, yesterday, on the main page was his post (I didn’t go to his page to see it, it was just there, first thing), saying how he was skipping to work that morning. It was followed by a few cryptic posts by friends saying they wondered why he was skipping with smiley faces and LOL’s. Obviously, he’s getting some or excited about a boy. I don’t get it. Not ready for a relationship. Said he loved me more anything a week before he left. Always, always wonderful to me. Over two years that were the best of my life. How does that change so fast? How can he not love me or care now? How do I get through this?

The thing I wanted to blog about? I sent in my manuscript of The Shattered Door last night. The editor will have it tomorrow morning by Ten. It felt like one of those slow motion, life-changing moments. No matter how it goes. It was a moment I have waited and worked for for so long. I pray it will have a good outcome. I hate to hope for it, but I can’t help it. It would be so wonderful for this year to have at least one redeeming quality for the personal life of Me. I should know his thoughts by December 17^th. So, now the waiting, praying game.