forced

Tonight, I am having my annual ‘gay boy’ BBQ. Typically anywhere between 30-60 people show up. For this year’s, I only invited some of closest ten friends or so. Didn’t feel like I could do more than that, and how do you invite all of Denver and not invite the person you want there the most—the person that would make you not function if he showed up?

Typically, on these days, I spend the entire morning cleaning and getting the house ready and start cooking about this time. Today, I’ve done nothing, and I’m not starting to cook or clean until an hour or so before, which means it will all be half-ass. I remember loving doing all this stuff before, with Chad and even before him. I wonder when that will return. It is taking everything in me not to call my friends and cancel. I don’t want to be weepy and sad around them tonight. They’ve seen enough of that, and (although this blog would beg to differ) I am tired of talking about it with people. Nobody can fix it or make me understand or make him love me, so what’s the point. Hopefully (like I tell my kids to do), I can fake it until it becomes real. Many of them I haven’t seen much this summer. It just hurts to see the friends who have stood by me through so much and have to stand by me yet again—friends that were a part of the life Chad and I were building and are now part of the life Brandon is surviving. Stupid, I know. Leave it to me to steer clear of my friends I love the most. Makes a lot of sense.

I would love to sit here in my safe little seat at the coffee shop and be surrounded by people that don’t know me (there are a couple people here now that know me, and I can’t make myself go see them either), and just tell the rest of the world to go away and leave me alone. Except for Gavin. Babies really are phenomenal. Holding him is one of the few times where I’m not hurting as much—just filled with love for him. Good thing I don’t have a ton of money, I would totally be having one of my own right now. Cause that would be a good decision. I can understand people that have kids so that they can have someone to love who won’t leave them—at least for awhile…