if you're happy and you know it clap your hands

I think I may have figured out why the past couple weeks have been getting worse instead of better. For instance, I know that he is getting on the plane shortly in San Diego and getting ready to come home. Of course I said a prayer for his safety and all of that, but he won’t be coming home to me, I won’t be getting a call to let me know he landed. He will be going to the house where he lives now—not to my house/our house. I think for awhile, I was somehow making myself see this. . . this. . . existence (?) that I’m living now as how my life is. Not how it is for now, but just how it is. In some strange way, it was helpful. I think I have once again started thinking of life as what is for now. As if there is a chance he is going to change his mind and come back and then my life can start again. I’ve got to remember that I am already living my life. This is it. This is all she wrote, folks. He’s gone. He doesn’t love me. He left. I’ve got to quit believing that it will change.