humiliation

There have been many times in my life I have wanted to crawl into a hole and die from embarrassment. I don’t think there has been any time more so than today.
I haven’t really blogged about this (this year), as (believe it or not) I get sick of talking about how much I still hurt and how much I ache for Chad, so I’ve really have been stuffing some things when I’ve been blogging. Well, no need. My birthday is Sunday, and as you may remember, for my 30th, Chad and my bff (KE) surprised me with a weekend in Breckenridge at a gorgeous cabin (mini-mansion) with some of my best friends for the weekend. It was one of the best times of my life. Hand’s down the best birthday. As my birthday approaches, what I have lost and what I had simply gets highlighted and accentuated. Like I said, I’ve intentionally stayed away from talking about it, even with other people.
[I got an email from his mom yesterday—telling me happy early birthday and that she loves me. So very sweet, and a knife to the heart. In addition, I keep wondering if he will remember. There’s not a way for him to win on this one—a text or call or a lunch or whatever isn’t enough compared to what I want from him, but ignoring it would be devastating. We’ll see…]
Well, my bff has been planning his boyfriend’s 30th bday party for this summer and they are leaning towards the same (or similar) plan. He and I have talked about it quite a bit. Each time, a feeling of dread coming over me. I’ve hinted several times about going other places then Breck for his bday, but not come out and just said it—not wanting to be such a wimp and not wanting to makes his bf’s birthday (who I adore, btw) all about me.
Anyway, late last night, I got an email on facebook inviting all of us up to the mountains for the birthday, it said they still weren’t sure if they were going to Brek, Winter Park, or where.
I caved, I responded that I for sure wanted to go and then requested to KE that we go to somewhere else besides Breck, and at the very least, not go to the same house as before—that I am really struggling with things how they are and how that would just highlight all I have lost. I said a few more things, none of which are bad to say to your bff, who loves you and understands. I also said I wasn’t trying to be selfish and make the day about me when it is about his bf.
This morning, I kept getting updates as people replied to his email, filling me in on their responses. With a sinking feeling, I logged on to facebook and realized I had sent my response to everyone on the list, not just my bff. There are some other of my best friends on that list, some good friends of Chads, and some people I don’t know. All reading how I am hurting, how I much I miss Chad, and my plea for KE to alter his bf’s bday plans just for me. To top it off, I couldn’t figure out how to delete it.
It may seem silly when I pour so much of myself out on here for the world to read—but I honestly hold back more than it may seem, especially lately. I know I should be more over him than I am, and—even on here—it is hard to admit where I truly am. I can’t even explain what it feels like to know that so many people were reading what I had written when they woke up this morning. Knowing it will be discussed (whether in the frame of how selfish I am, how weak and pathetic I am, or whatever—doesn’t matter). Knowing it may even get back to Chad.
Honestly, I really wanna just crawl back into bed, sob, and hide for a few months. And I for sure don’t want to see my friends for my own birthday this weekend or see them at the bff’s bf’s bday this summer.
I’m so tired of being this person. I’m so tired of constantly hurting and aching for what was. I so tired of making it where everyone knows about it.
So, of course, I blog about it some more. A dog returning to its vomit.