Monday, April 18, 2011

one more return

And….. I’m back!

Already at my coffee shop.

Already my new outlook has been tested. And, so far, I’ve passed the test (you know, for the whole three seconds I’ve been back). Whatever, I’m glad I went. I think I’m finally on a path that might go somewhere.

I got turned down by another agent. Whatever. (see above)

I noticed something that kinda surprised me. I’ve always loved riding planes. However, the takeoff has always kinda scared me. Thrilled me, but scared me too. Just the realization that I truly have no control over my life and death. Even as a kid I realized that. I would pray and pray during take off. Pray that God would save my soul. That he would allow me in Heaven with him should I die.
I still pray at takeoff. I prayed what I’ve prayed for the past few years. It’s not a written prayer or anything, just the only one that makes sense. “God, my life is in your hands. Do your will.” What struck me this time was that this prayer is a lot scarier than the other. I’m not begging for forgiveness or making deals. Just the acknowledgment that I know that he knows that I know that I have no more delusions of being in control of such things. No longer do I struggle to do so. Strangely, it’s a lot less scary.

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