Friday, April 29, 2011

skip this one, just bitching

I dreamed I was in a long, white, low-cut wedding gown. Marrying a prince—how he looked five years ago, not the Charles he’s turned into. Sigh…
Actually, I didn’t dream anything of the sort. Very un-gay of me, I know, but I couldn’t have cared less about the Royal Wedding. Well, that’s not true; I did wanna see pictures of the dress. What red-blooded American male doesn’t want to see the latest wedding dress trends? I loved Kate’s dress (hated Diana’s, poor girl). Actually, haven’t seen pictures of the train and such, so I think I like it, the top was very pretty. Instead of staying up to watch the wedding, I stayed up way too late (so tired) to watch three episodes of The Walking Dead. My real fear of zombies has become somewhat of a strange fascination. One I feel a little guilty about actually. I guess my conscience isn’t totally dead yet (for all those who are taking bets). I feel like I’m sinning watching zombie things. Kinda strange, huh? The show is actually really, really good. And, as in all good horror movies/shows, is much less about zombies and more about human relationships. However, the dreams I had were less about relationships and more about zombies. And HWMNBN (really?), although somehow not intertwined with zombies, thankfully. Nothing like waking up to religious guilt, queasy zombie feelings, and missing the man I’m not supposed to love about anymore. Fun stuff.
In addition to zombie stress, I’m trying to work out how to deal with people again. Despite my hermit tendencies, I know more people now than I ever have before. However, between work (kids), work (massage), and work (books), and family, I quite literally have no time, and even the rare moments I take for myself to simply not do anything but be with me leave me feeling guilty. Not helped by so many texts, emails, etc. either complaining about my short responses, insinuations of my selfishness (yeah, I’m selfish, I know), or endless pleading to get together makes me want to crawl even further in my shell. I haven’t even seen my best friend in weeks! And not because we haven’t tried, it’s just life. Granted, I’ve gone from extreme people-pleaser to complete hermit and am trying to find the balance. It’s rather confusing, and I’m tried of not getting to see so many people that I love so much while being made to feel guilty for not being enough for everyone else.
I know, poor me. Boo, hoo, hoo.
In an act of selfishness, and fiscal irresponsibility, I set aside three days this week to not do any massages. I also didn’t allow myself to go to movies (there are so many I really, really want to see right now) or anything like that. The days weren’t to be a hermit either; they were set aside to really work on finding an agent. I feel guilty about this too, since people see it as me not being available or a good friend or whatever. But, to me, not only is it a dream, but it is a job—at least a job I’m trying to get. I have to work at it! So, with these three days, I made a ton of progress, I hope to do this again in the next week or so, after I make a little more money so that I can. The more I contact, the more rejections I’ll get, but the more likely I am to find the one fool that will say yes!

1 comment:

Avenjer said...

I feel ya about time and being pulled in multiple directions. I think it's a part of being a creative person. Musician, artist, writer--anybody in that range needs time and the space to create. And be with our thoughts. Our day job may be fufilling in one area but, not in the same area as our creative passion. And our friends tend to not understand because their creative passion is socializing and going out to places for new kinds of socializing. And most of the time their job is just a job---they don't care what they do, as long as they get paid. Where creative people are usually trying to turn their passion into their day job. Anyway, I do the same to my friends too. But just like this weekend, I try to set time aside to catch up on projects (major spring cleaning) so once out of the way I can be free to catch up with friends again.