over and done

Our time together was quite literally five minutes or less. Which was what I’d planned. I didn’t want a bunch of idle chit-chat.
He sat down and gave me a mermaid matchbox that he bought me in Mexico last week. He said he’d planned on sending it to me when he got back, but then he had the email from me. He’s still [….]—accidentally just typed his name.
I told him that I was going to start going out to places in the next little bit, and that I wanted to see him before I did that. I told him that I was in the same spot I was two years ago and that I could see him coming up and being all friendly when he saw me out and that it would just hurt me. He said that he would just smile and wave and if I wanted to come talk to him that he would let me make that choice. I said that would be perfect.
I gave him the book (Submerging, I never even would have started it if it hadn’t been for him). He told me how proud he was of me. We hugged. Said we loved each other. I left.
I got to the car, tears starting, but not too badly. I’d almost cried when we were together, I’m sure he could tell, but I didn’t. I had a seventy-five dollar ticket when I got to my car. I completely lost it. Sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.
It’s been a little over an hour and I’m functioning. I’m glad I did it. I think there was a part of me deluded—I honestly didn’t think I’d cry. I really didn’t. Part of me hoped I’d see him and feel nothing or at least feel less. Once again, it was walking away from my husband who doesn’t want me or love me anymore.
Again, I’m glad it did it. I’m glad it’s over. It needed to happen, and it was the right decision. For me. Hopefully for both of us, actually probably is a non-issue for him. But it definitely was for me.
Time to begin living again. To whatever extent. Or at least time to make myself face more fears in the attempt to live. I also had a text waiting for me in the car from a friend who has been begging me to go out with him for a couple years. I texted him back and told him to take me out Thursday or Friday. So, here we go.
So glad it’s over. I’m so thankfully for the time I had with him, and am so ready for the feeling for him to be gone—or at least non-consuming.