return

Back to work today. I always get nervous. Kinda silly with how long I’ve been doing this. I’m excited to see the kids though. We will see how I hold up physically. Just doing little things around the house has worn me out. I’m anxious to see how today goes—I may have to take a nap under the desk halfway through!
Yesterday was a strange mixture of relief and sorrow. Going to bed was nice. I noticed the relief most at that time. I didn’t have to worry about running into him and not being prepared, I didn’t have to think about what I would say to him, I didn’t have to worry about getting pretty in order to talk him. It’s over. I can move on to whatever the next step is. However… as I knew seeing him would (which is partly why I wanted/needed to do it on my own terms), it brought everything back. Our Sunday night routines (last night felt like a Sunday with work starting today). His face and voice had grown a little fuzzy in my mind. Of course, those are crystal clear right now. I’ve wanted to text him so many times since yesterday. Just to share some little thought or joke or anything. I just miss him. I miss my husband and best friend. I won’t ever be able to understand how he doesn’t feel the same, but I do believe I’ll learn to live with the fact of it all nonetheless. I’m glad it’s over, and now I need to focus on building some of those walls back up again that crumbled yesterday.