Wednesday, May 25, 2011

from the ashes

It’s gonna take some time to deal with the fear of losing again. I hope I can figure it out at some point, and it guess it’s okay to not be great, or even good, at it yet. I’ve spent the past two plus years grieving and dealing with loss. I guess it only makes sense that’s where my psyche would go now. In the midst of everything wonderful going on, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop (wonder what that meant originally…). However, on one hand, there’s this core/gut feeling that this is It that contradicts with the fear. I know it’s stupid to say after a week and a half, but there it is. I just don’t want my fear and my loss issues to get in the way of all the positive that’s happening and turn our ‘Honeymoon’ stage into stress and mini-therapy sessions.
At dinner last night, we were talking about going out to bars and such to see friends, and a crazy realization hit me. I thought, IF I ever started dating again, that I wouldn’t be able to go Out with whoever the man would be for fear of seeing HWMNBN. I wouldn’t want him to see me with someone else. Wouldn’t want him to think I don’t love him or taking back my promises to him. (I know, he left, not me. I know, I know.) While [hmmm… almost typed his name and I haven’t asked permission to use his name, and I’m not sure if I will. Please hold while I think of an appropriate moniker… Got it! One of his vices that I thought would be a deal breaker… and I mean this in a loving, pet name kind of way, not judgy… Smokey. {Smokey, if you ever read this, I’m smiling right now at my cute name for you—not thinking about lung cancer. Well, now I am, but I wasn’t at the time. }] Anyway, while Smokey and I were talking (I like that name, sounds kind sexy—even if I am more of a ‘bear’ than he is) I realized that I simply wanted to be out in public with him. I don’t care if HWMNBN sees (I do still love him, always will, but I love Smokey in his own right, not because I don’t have HWMNBN). I don’t care if people think I’m being stupid because it’s too soon or we’re moving too fast. I don’t care if it’s only been a month since I started to really live again. I don’t care that there’s a chance that I’ll end up looking like a fool. It was such a surprising feeling, such a liberating moment. I felt free. Free to breath easier. Free to take ownership of my city again. Free to revel in the love that has found me—whether my gut is right or wrong.
Hmmm… maybe Smokey works on multiple levels. As, it seems, he is sending my old fears up in smoke (while creating new ones).


Avenjer said...

Yes, you're moving fast into a relationship like a lesbian but, Woooooooot!!! About damn time. I say go for it B. Screw the haters, you're a grown ass adult and you can do whatever the hell you want. And essssspecially when it makes you this happy. You're alive. And it feels good. Which is how you should have felt a year ago. It was a long journey but you're here. And that's all that matters. Yay for Smokey! Because he must be smoking hot ;)

Anonymous said...

Obviously you don't have to be lesbian to move fast into a relationship. All comments are encouraging you do do this, and I assume they too have experienced the pain you have. I don't know who the "haters" would be, concern is not hating.