Tuesday, May 10, 2011


I get so frustrated with my kids (even more so with their families) that are always upset at everyone. Who always feel they are the victim. That time after time, the same complaint is made about them or they get in the same fight, or whatever. They always feel it’s the other person. Being blunt, I always point out that if the same thing, or same complaint, keeps happening to them through unconnected people, then the problem is them, not the rest of the world.
Having preached the message over and over and over, it is time to take my own medicine. After my last post on this subject, I’ve had two more unconnected people either complain or hint at my unavailability. Asking what’s wrong, why I don’t want to be friends with them or wondering if even contacting me is okay—even though I never said anything about being upset or tired of their friendships. It’s amazingly frustrating and makes me both feel pressured and a little manipulated. However, looking at it from outside my own psyche, I have to admit that since this keeps happening, the problem is obviously mine.
So, I will own it. I’ve turned into a sucky friend the majority of the time. Regardless of my excuses or reasons (time, exhaustion, depression, finances, family, blah, blah, blah), obviously the issue is with me.
So, the options are these:
1. Make the time to meet with all these people and spend a larger portion of every day returning emails, facebook posts, take time from massages, trying to find and agent, or (you know, I was gonna add personal time to that list, but I don’t even see where that happens except before right before bed).
2. Cut the list of friends down to a select few, who have been in my life the longest, who I can’t loose, and accept that I don’t have what is required to be in a relationships with so many people, while still working the second job and working on the books.
3. Continue as I am, letting people down and constantly frustrated with the complaints about my correspondence and friendship abilities (this topic baffles me still, being a good friend was always the top thing I thought I was good at—although, the changes in my life and personality are massive when you compare who and where I was then with who and where I am now I don’t even think HWMNBN would recognize me anymore if he returned. Probably left just at the right time. Okay, now I’m slipping into poor me, which is totally unattractive).
I realize that even in the midst of processing through this, I’m complaining or venting. Not wanting sympathy around it or anything like that—there are several other areas in my life that may require that—this is not one of them. My frustration level is through the roof on this, even if the fault lies in me. The old me would have chosen option one. It’s not even an option anymore. Not really. I simply don’t have that in me any longer. The thought of it makes me feel trapped and even more used up than I already feel. Neither two nor three feel perfectly right (although, two sounds like the healthier option), so I think I’ll probably slip into a combination of two and three. Not sure how that will look or even what that entails…
When is that winning lotto ticket coming so I can move into the coffee shop, shove in my earphones, and get lost in my novels (even if I’m the only one lost in them?)… I think it’s time…

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Loss and Guilt

Loss seems to be the theme here. You lost a love, you feel you are losing friends because of your inability to keep up with all of them. Does your feeling of inadequacy as a friend go back to questioning other perceived inadequacies? Such as emotionally beating yourself up for not being with him and somehow blaming yourself? Life is time and we can only do so much because of those constraints. Don't beat yourself up because of universal struggles and limitations. Perfection doesn't exist. Choices do, which is what you are struggling to implement even though you do so full of guilt.