Friday, May 27, 2011

The one you can point back to and say, "He finally broke with reality, " or, "Wow, he really did know."

Gonna call it like I see it—even if it’s ridiculous.
From the night we went to the double feature movies (Priest and Bridesmaids), thirteen days ago, I knew Smokey would be the man I married.
Crazy, huh?
And granted, any number of things could happen and things end in a moment. I could be delusional. I could be simply needy and clingy and enmeshed. I could be acting out of hurt and fear. I could be pathetic and desperate. Or, I could be right. I suppose I could even be all those things and still be right.
I’m not saying this to get a rise out of people, or to celebrate something that hasn’t happened. I’m saying it because I’m thinking it. Feeling it. And have been for thirteen days.
Months ago, I preemptively called bull-shit on me being in a future relationship and being happy again—that I would be deceiving myself. Well, that may be true. Or maybe, life has shown me that it’s a little more magical than I believed. With HWMNBN, we did everything right. I didn’t choose to spend my life him for over a year, and it was a decision made out of love and logic (not the parenting/teaching handbook Love and Logic). And, I still stand by that decision. I loved him. I still love him. And I could have spent my life with him, always loving him, and being happy. We would’ve been, if he’d allowed it. However, with Smokey, there’s no logic. There’s no months of getting to know each other, no debating the pros and cons, no being convinced over months that we’re right for each other. There’s just this instant sensation and relief (despite the fear) of, ‘There you are. Finally.’ Delusion or magic or destiny? After the ‘smart’ way and its fallout, why not choose magic? Choose the impossible. In many ways, I’ve always lived my life that. Go for the impossible (get published –two more rejection letters this week).
My life has brought me to the point where I’m both insane and brave enough to bet on magic.

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