Gym Myths, Debunked

Since the world (yes, the entire world is reading this blog—I’m that important) is tired of my bitching and complaining over the same heartache day after day, I will bitch and complain about something else (lucky you!). I worked out this morning. Really, I did. My fat has not decreased, nor has my chest definition increased. However, my time at the gym did give birth to this:

Gym Myths, Debunked:

1. Unless your weight machine is suddenly transported to a beach with a rainbow umbrella over it and you have a fruity cocktail in your hand, you are not on a vacation; there is no reason to read a book, talk on the phone, or stare into space for five or more minutes in between sets while lounging on the workout equipment.
2. If you have to rear back and thrust your body around like a hermit crab in convulsions, you are not actually lifting the two hundred pounds you think you are, nor are the tiny little muscles you think are swelling getting any type of workout in the slightest.
3. Just because you are sweating at the gym doesn’t mean that you are fit and in shape yet, there is no motive to force the rest of the population witness your rolls of fat struggle against your stretched beyond reason spandex, we haven’t done anything to you!
4. Being surrounded by other men does not give you freedom to cut your nails, trim your body hair, or use a pumas stone on your calloused and flaky feet in the sauna.
5. Unless you’re actually as hot as you think you are, there is no plausible excuse for standing at the sink shaving for half an hour, naked. None.
6. The fan blowing on you as you pant and puff on the cardio equipment, even though you’re under the delusion that it does, cannot hide the fact that you haven’t brushed your teeth in weeks and that five skunks died from your halitosis on your way to the gym.
7. Yes, we know you are straight. Yes, we know you think other peoples’ cock is gross and you love pussy (shudder). However, we also know that you love having our eyes on you as you flex and strut in front of the mirror; your huge muscles bulging from the two inches of fabric that covers your body. Quit scowling and acting disdainful—you’re not fooling anyone.
8. When your body hair curls around the straps of your tank top and out from underneath the hem, covering part of the sweat soaked material, it does gross out the rest of gym—the disgusted looks are not just your imagination.
9. People moving away to machines several feet away from you doesn’t mean that they are intimidated by your masculine prowess—it means you fucking stink. Take a shower and wash your clothes!
10. And, yes! I do mind if you work in with me! I waited for you to read a novel, have six conversations on the phone, and take a nap between sets—sit down and wait your turn, and enjoy the show!