Firsts, Again

Tonight is a big night. Not a big as say, oh. . . the Titanic christening, the development of the atomic bomb, or the birth of Hitler, but a big day nonetheless. I went grocery shopping, by myself, and made dinner, by myself, and am getting ready to watch America’s Next Top Model, by myself. Yeah, I know, pretty big, right?

I guess it was spurred on my by a text from my dearly-dashed-away-love texting me today to remind me that ANTM was starting tonight. The first time I saw that show, Chad and I were staying several days in the hospital. He had just had an emergency appendectomy, and ANTM was on an all day marathon. He already loved that show; I never wanted to see it. I fell in love within five minutes. Ever since, it was OUR show. He left me in the middle of the last cycle, and he still came over every week to watch it with me until it was over. I hadn’t decided if I was ever going to watch it again, until I got the text today. I am going to watch it. I love it. I have to continue. I have to watch it. I have to be strong. I have to face big and little moments without the person I chose.

In that frame of mind, I went to the store and made dinner. The first time since April 18^th. I can’t say it was fun, or that the meal turned out that great, but it is done. I’ve gone to the store by myself (we even had a song we played every time we’d go to the grocery store—it was our fun song—Sandcastle Disco) and I’ve made dinner for myself. Of course, in that process, I came across a gourmet cheeseburger cookbook he got me for Christmas that he lovingly inscribed—we were going to make a new burger every night there was a new Project Runway (we had very straight tastes in television)—in case you hadn’t heard, that show has already started. There have no burgers made.

I have reentered my angry stage, which is a blessing. It’s like I can finally catch my breath for the first time in three weeks. I hate that being angry with him helps. I hate that I have to be angry at all. I just hate most things right now, I suppose.